Stale Cigarettes and Flat Diet Coke...

Happy Holidays, Asshole!

2010-12-22T06:59:00.000-06:00

Today I went shopping to a grocery store. Yes, I knew the date and I knew the fuckery that awaited me. But I figured a grocery store was not nearly as bad as the shopping center my darling husband was going to. Let me explain first, I quit smoking (Again) two days ago. The holidays are stressful enough, but add in my feelings when I'm lacking nicotine and rum, and well you can imagine.

But I was blissfully unaware of this creature that lurked inside me. I should have known something was up when after waiting 20 minutes for a bus I nearly elbowed this old woman in the face in order to get on. I gave her a look that said "Your Arthritis does not rival my wait time, get the fuck behind me old biddy." and oddly enough, she did. I then plugged myself into my MP3 player and blissfully ignored everyone and everything around me. Until we almost hit that truck, I'm almost certain I blissfully shat myself at that point.

The bus pulled up to ASDA and I scanned the full parking lot and decided the best way to deal with this was to pretend there was no one around, so the music stayed on and I marched towards the doors. Before even entering I am asulted by not one, but two women screaching at me for some charity. I couldn't make out the words so I just continued on my way. Where I was stopped by a fat guy wearing a name tag, "Hi, I'm Jamal, How can I help you?" And my urge to punch him in the face came so swiftly...

But I refrained and ignored him as well, because I clearly could not hear him asking me what I was looking for.

I found lights, I found a rolling pin, I found the other bits and pieces I needed. And then I had to stand in line. Probably the longest part of my trip, but the woman in front of me was the slowest woman in the entire world, so I decided I clearly needed to go buy more things and left that line before I killed her.

If only I had painted ASDA with the blood of the people who got on my nerves today.

I was on a mission to find blueberries, now. I wanted muffins and no one was going to stop me. Not even JAMAL. The prick. I pretty much ignored manners and people. If someone had a child walking freely, I probably ran them over. I did not care, I needed Blue berries. And cookie cutters. And Mango.

THERE WAS NO TIME FOR SMALL CHILDREN, GOD DAMN IT.

Really, I should have known it was going to be like that when Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch" came on and my pace quickened and a sadistic smile showed up on my face.

Merry Christmas, and I hope you don't lose a limb during your last minute shopping.

Can't think of words- Have pics instead.

2010-10-07T05:15:00.001-05:00

The road, it humps.

KILLER SPIDER WTF.

I promise I didn't sniff them... Honest!

Why is Lincon in London? Confused :(

FINALLY.

Sorry to those of you who have me on FB and have already ~Seen~ these.

This is going to kill me, I promise

2010-09-25T04:09:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are new and don't have me on FB, I've started running. Nothing much to brag about considering I can last about 2 minutes at a jog before my fat clogged heart and tar covered lungs beg me to slow down, and I do.

It was getting better. I had quit smoking, I was eating right and slowly I was able to run a bit more.

And then my body decided it wasn't happy with this arrangement. Before, when I would walk, I'd get these horrible crippling foot cramps that made me stop. I've learned it is because I walk too fast, and that I walk strangely. The fix for this is one of two things, 1.) Buy a pair of specially made Nikes that we can't afford or 2.) Slow the fuck down.

Guess which one I picked?

And then lately, every time I run my legs protest in a god awful way. My shins hurt, my knees hurt... the list goes on and on. And its not getting better. Its to the point that after my little phone app. tells me to walk, I'm holding my body up on the bars of the treadmill wondering why the fuck it still hurts so much.

Lets recap shall we? My feet get horrible cramps when I go faster than 2.5KM an hour. My legs, shins, knees and feet are all trying to kill me. My lungs, blackened from years of smoking aren't clearing up like their supposed to, and nothing I try is working on that front.

So someone explain to me why I'm torturing myself when I was perfectly content sitting on my ass chain smoking and stuffing cake in my mouth? I mean honestly...

Helloooo? I'm a caaaaar...

2010-08-27T22:51:00.004-05:00

I haven't abandoned you, my two readers. Heh. I've just not been in a mood to write. Actually, thats a damn lie, I'm always in the mood to write, I just don't know what to say most of the time.
Before I had a job and I could bitch about it (Walmart) and I had things to do and places to go and little dramas and adventures that amused me and I wanted to write them down.
The biggest issue in my life right now is a tie between quitting smoking and the fact that I could be lactose intolerant. I know, DRAMAZING.

Life exists as normal. Or as normal as the two most fucked up people to ever grace this planet can act. I have dishes to do. Sleep that I need, seeing as its 5am here. But no, these things will not happen. Because there is a car, somewhere out there, with an alarm that has been going off constantly all night. And because I have this horrible cough that has been happening all night.

Finally took some cough meds though. How responsible of me. I haven't found the car yet, but when I do I'm going to fucking light that shit on fire so fast, those damn Foxes with their kangaroo buddy won't know what the fuck just happened.
*Cough* Crabby Jen is crabby.

There was more to update you guys on, I'm sure of it. I can't remember anything so instead have a picture of something from England.

I'll write up a post in the next few days about our *Magical* adventure where I was forced to wander through the city for hours on end, walking mile after mile and taking picture after picture. It was awesome. There is still so much to see and do, but I'm not in any rush seeing as when my crazy family swoops into town I'll be forced to do it all again, so might as well enjoy it with them instead of secretly hating it like I do when it comes to visiting things in Chicago that I've been dragged to a million times.

So yeah. Thats my update. Fantastic wasn't it? Now I need to go find that fucking car...

Allow me a minute to rant.

2010-08-16T03:57:00.003-05:00

Look, I know giving up is supposed to be difficult, and I know it's not easy otherwise more and more people would quit each day. I know it's something you have to work at and really want in order to get to the end goal of being smoke free. But I bet all these fuckers who tell you this have either never smoked or when they quit they got to fucking use patches. Right? Right.

I haven't smoked in 5.5 days. In Jen time thats about 170 some odd cigarettes. Which is wonderful.
For 2.5 of those days I've been with out patches. WITH OUT PATCHES.

The first three days I had some discomfort with the patches, some aches and just ignored them. Determined to quit. The third day, I laid on my arm and almost started crying because the joint pain was just unbelievable.We pulled the patch off. I slept for a few hours, still sore when I woke up. Figured we'd do with out the patch that day, let some of the nicotine out of my system.. see what happens.

Yesterday I put a patch on my forearm and not 10 minutes afterwards I see this...

Yeah. Red, blotchy, that bruise right about the word "Right" is from the patch. Awesome no? So I took that patch off. So now I'm trying really fucking hard not to march to the shop to buy a pack of cigarettes to hell with my lungs.

Make matters worse, John's about to go on night shifts so I'll have 4 days of nothing but myself to keep me occupied. Awesome. I see this as just one more step towards failure! Horrah!.

Someone get me a cigarette, I can't handle this shit anymore.

Holy shit, This isn't easy

2010-08-12T07:26:00.002-05:00

Greetings people who might actually still read this blog. Been a while, hasn't it? Well I moved to England, I've been here almost 8 months now. I had a job, Don't have it any more (Temp work.) and we're currently looking for a new apartment to rent that is 200£ Cheaper than this one.

And I've quit smoking.

You can imagine the ray of sunshine I've been the last day or so, can't you? But I bit the bullet and slapped a patch on. I've managed to go

0 weeks, 1 day, 14 hours and 20 mins.

Without a cigarette and with out killing anyone. I've been trying to keep busy, but I've run out of Ironing to do, and the dishes are all clean. I suppose I could sit down and watch five seasons of House on DVD. That might get me through the 2 weeks of hell, eh?

I've tried quitting before, but they were half assed attempts and not really trying. The last time I tried patches I actually bought a pack of cigarettes with the patches and just laughed and smoked. That was enjoyable.

This time it's no cigarettes. Just patches. And a lot of verbal abuse thrown at John, who is taking it like a champ. "I just want you to know, I'm very proud of you." Me: "I CAN NOT SMOKE PRIDE, CAN I!?!"

yeah, ray of sunshine.

Yesterday someone told me smoking is bad. I pointing out,

"Yeah, Smoking is bad. But so is Manslaughter. Just sayin'."

Ok, kind of a lame update, but Im sorry

2010-04-14T08:39:00.000-05:00

I've been walking/running kinda for the last week or so and last night I was looking at my feet and for the first time in a long time...I have hot ankles.

That is all.

Moved to England

2010-02-11T19:20:00.003-06:00

I've moved, officially, you can follow me at 3500 Miles From Normal for updates about how thats going. For those who aren't my mother, here is a more serious update.

I have found myself, in moments of solitude, thinking "holy crap, I live here now." and I don't think it's fully hit me just yet. It still feels like a very strange visit, where I have to cook, clean and wake up at normal times.
I get moments where I'll drift into thought, and come out of them a bit sadder than I was before I took my mental wander. Deschaun turned one year old on Sunday, and I nearly cried as I wrote out his birthday card.

This is the biggest adventure I'm ever going to get to take, and I'm having a blast- but I'm missing so much that just kills me. Like Alex is turning Six soon, and that means he's going to start losing teeth. That alone is going to be an astounding production, and I really hate not being there to hear all about the tooth fairy.

Pat hasn't spoken to me since before I left and I have no idea if we're ok or if he's mad or what. Its a normal thing with us, to drift apart for a while, but I know I can't just hop in a car and go see him. Same with Sandra and Andrea, can't see them either.

This is going to end up being one of the most difficult things I've had to do, but I admit the good outweighs the bad, but I am a sentimental fool who thinks everything in mah Little Kid's lives are important, from first birthdays all the way to Tooth fairy visits.

Clearly the only solution to this melancholy I'm feeling is for John to impregnate me. (Kidding, of course.) or you know, get me a pet of some sort. Which means we're getting a fish tank soon, so I can have fish that I can.. Uhm... watch with extreme interest.

Granted, if things get really bad and I start getting overly sad and emotional, I can just make all of you in the sims! And then I will control your little worlds! Brilliant idea, me!

But seriously, I'm fine. I'm great. I just have moments where I get lost in thought. I wouldn't change a thing about my life at this moment, other than make the ocean a bit smaller. I keep getting the questions, "Do you miss them? Do you think they miss you?" And I always reply with, "They haven't had a chance to miss me yet! Give it time!" which is true. A month or so, yeah I'll be homesick, but I can always come back for a week just to say hi if it gets really bad, I've made sure of it and John is nothing but wonderful and completely understands that it might be the case.

So thats my update, I'm safe and happy. I promise. And even if I haven't had time, theres not a moment a day goes by that the majority of my friends and family don't pass through my brain at least once.

Ps. Big Jenny, I'm sending the Kid's Bday cards early because once I get a job I imagine I will lose the awesomeness that is the (popup!) cards I purchased. Hide them away. Will be sending more awesome cards that you can dole out on days when they are behaved or whatever you parents do for stuff like that.

pps. No buttermilk here thus no Hidden valley ranch.
ppps. Diet coke not the same.
pppps. Its like 32 degrees which isn't bad, but the wind... it makes me sad.

ppppps. <3

Sleep is just a state of mind

2010-01-10T06:16:00.004-06:00

Ever have those nights where you lay in bed for an hour, eyes closed, wrapped up in your blanket and instead of sleep you're thinking crazy thoughts? Thoughts about zombies, petticoats, hotel rooms, Road trips, candy, Cheesecake and more zombies?

This is why my brain is like. I lay down and my train of thought makes no sense. None. Not to me, not to anyone else.

"Hmm, I wonder if I'd be smited if I walked into a church, dropped trou and yelled 'Covet this, bitches!' it seems like something one would be smited for. is smited a word? it has to be, what would the past tense of smite be? I smite, he smites, she smited. Right? Of course I'm right, it's grammar. But then again the to's still confuse me. and apostrophes. I wonder how you say apostrophe in German. I wonder if it's as cool of a word as exclamation point is."

Oh, but this is just the beginning of the insanity that happens in my head. I made a list, of things to do in England. While trying to sleep. I will now share.

1.) Buy lots and lots of petticoats and wander around that area of really old buildings in the city pretending I'm in a historical romance novel. (Note to self: Try to swoon at least once.)
2.) Convince the English that is the THHHHHHAMES because TH makes a THHHHH sound.
3.) In regards to number one, get really drunk and go to a public place and slap a man while insisting he "compromised me" and then run away. Might be difficult in petticoats. Will have to practice.

There was more, but I can't remember it now. Because I'm insane. That's pretty much the basics of the list though, crazy shit that makes little to no sense. Love it. But the rambling of the brain, it needs to stop. I'll be having a lovely thought about cheesecake or some crazy meal I tried cooking and BAM APARTMENT ON FIRE.

WTF. I WAS BOILING WATER. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU ON FIRE, WATER?!

Seriously guys, the water was on fire. Talk about a mind fuck.

"Shit, shit, waters on fire. Water is on fire. OPEN.YOUR.EYES. WOMAN. Oh. Ok. I'm awake. I'm completely awake. In america, there is no water on fire. Right? Right. Wtf, cat, shut up. Oh thats not the cat, thats my stomach. Mmm stomach. Mmm stomach? Oh Ok, now we're digesting ourselves, thats cool. Thanks for the memo nervous system, could have warned me a bit earlier that I was hungry. Like before I laid down to sleep. Although I'm failing. You know what else I'll fail at? Probably cleaning out my car, but if my car was chitty chitty bang bang I could just fly that sucker above the dump, twist it sideways and let all the crap in it fall to the ground. Now that would be pretty fucking sweet. I wonder if an empty diet coke can could kill someone if dropped from high enough. I wonder where the city dump is in relation to this house. Hmm. "

Now I know this is all nerves. I'm stressed, I'm excited, I'm nervous. I can't wait, I'm thrilled, I'm terrified. etc etc. But seriously, do I have to be fucking exhausted to sleep at night? Because this whole "sleeping when I'm on the verge of death" thing isn't cutting it. I'm tired, I need sleep. But apparently my brain would rather have me mentally wander around a (No lie) department store in my mind yelling at the Make up counter lady because I can't return the makeup I bought because I lost my debit card.

Yeah, I'm pretty fucked up. Oh and then I laid there thinking about mac n' cheese for a while pondering the perfect bachemel sauce. And what kind of cheese would make the perfect grilled cheese. And then cheetos, and how the flamin' hot ones are disgusting. And then I laid there going over my nicknames and finally after I started thinking about smurfs and what would happen if a group of smurfs came upon a midget, I got up and declared myself a failure at sleep.

So I'm awake. At 6:30 am because I, yet again, can not shut my fucking brain up. And this, people, is why I drink until I'm too drunk to have a conscious thought. Because if I didn't, I'd never get any fucking sleep.

Ps. Kidding about the drinking thing.
pps. Where does one pick up petticoats?
ppps. ZOMBIES COVERED IN FLAMING WATER IS A HORRIFYING THOUGHT. K?

Letter

2009-12-31T21:51:00.002-06:00

Dear Emily,
I can't do it. I know you want to forgive and forget, but sadly my heart isn't capable of this. I wish it was. But I leave in less than a month, and over the last two I can't help but sit here wondering every time you send me a text if it's going to last.

Yes, you were my best friend. And yes, I miss you. But you hurt me. Badly. Telling me to "Stay the fuck out of your life" was pretty much all I needed to close that Emily part of my heart up and pretend you don't exist. I don't go to Denny's or Ihop and I try to act like you don't exist.

The night the apartment burned down all I wanted was to call you to tell me It would be ok, but I deleted your number. For good reason. We had a great thing, and yea, I was critical of you. But only because I knew you could do so much more with your life.

Where I thought I was smart, you were a genius. Where I was insecure, you were outstanding. We were ying and yang and yet the same. And it worked. Laughter, tears, Rum and of course the dancy game. I know you still read and this is why I put this here.

I will never speak German and not think of you. I will never eat hashbrowns and not think of you. I will never contemplate tuna, chocolate and garlic and not wonder wtf is wrong with you. And when it comes to best friends and laughter, I hope that when I am 90 something and John is asking me to bump uglies I think of you and laugh.

because I'll be honest, I miss you. I wish it was worth returning the phone calls and being friends again. But we both know regardless of the love, the friendship and laughter it will never be the same. And yeah, maybe I throw hissy fits, and maybe I over react sometimes... but it doesn't change what you said. and it doesn't change how I feel or how you hurt me.

I want the best for you, and sadly I'm certain I am not that. I miss you, I love you, and I hope you get everything out of life you wish for, because you deserve it.
Love,
Me.

The Novelty of being Fearless

2009-12-26T00:08:00.003-06:00

When I was ten I would haul my sled on top of this old hut thing my dad made years ago, that held our fire wood. I'd climb up the fence, dragging this bright green sled up to the top and then I'd angle it just right so I'd miss the scattered logs, but land in the snow. It was a good 5 foot drop, not much a ride since the sled was longer than the actual roof. But I did it, because I was fearless.

When I was 12 I looked at a four foot ramp that was made by some neighborhood kids, got back a few driveways and skated off it. I remember the landing. Hard, rough. Sprained an ankle and my wrist, not to mention I was picking grass out of that skinned knee for days.

I used to climb any tree, as long I could reach the branch. I'd run across busy streets, sneak into the Discovery Zone pretending I was with a party. We'd scam the McDonalds people into giving us a gazillion kiddie cones and then go play on the play place, not in, but on top of; Where Kids weren't allowed.

We'd sled down the slides, jump off swings, make ramps out of wood we had stolen from construction sites and go off them on our roller blades, bikes and even a scooter if we could. The house across the street from my parent's has the steepest driveway in the neighborhood. And the house next to it has a perfectly leveled curb.

We'd zoom down the drive way, Cut the corner way to fast and launch ourselves into the air. If you landed or pulled a trick you were the god of the neighborhood. If you fell, or got hurt you had no option but to get back up, shake it off, and try again.

Dislocated my knee Jumping off that curb.

When we were kids there was no fear. We were indestructible, and any injury could be fixed with a band-aid. Bruises would fade, cuts and scrapes would heal. We lived for the moment, somehow knowing that once we reached a certain age it'd no longer be fun.

And it's like that. Gone are the days of sledding off anything with snow on it, the impromptu snowball fights, the back yard wrestling clubs where we'd beat the shit out of each other. Gone are the games of tag, the races around the block and the adventures on our bikes to discover super awesome Tree forts.

I miss it. I miss being a kid. I miss being fearless, living for the moment and not giving a shit about what could happen, just wanting to prove that I can do it. What point in our lives do we all realize that Yeah, maybe we can do it, but it's just best not to try?

How do you go back to being blissfully unaware of consequences after you grow up?

Merry Fucking Christmas

2009-12-22T19:38:00.002-06:00

As some of you may know, I have family who has never bothered to contact me in 23 years despite knowing where I am. This is all because, *GASP*, my brother is black.

Well I was invited to christmas Eve dinner, and only agreed to go to spend time with my dad. I tried to get my brother an invite, and it didn't happen. So my dad and I arranged a Dinner tomorrow night for the Boyds.

I'm not going to Rockford to see my family. I don't want to go, I don't want to meet even more people who never gave a shit about us. I don't want to sit there talking to them when I know the moment I move I wont hear from them again. I can't and I wont.

I know my brother is Black, I'm aware we're only related by our mother. But does that make him any less of a family member? No. Is it fair that they neglected to invite him? No.
So I'm standing up for us, it's either both or neither. I'm not going to be divided by race yet again, and I'm not going to let you people live out your damn racist views. He's my brother, and my Father's son. Either fucking except it or do what you did for the last 23 years, forget I exist.

You know you haven't lived here in a year when...

2009-12-16T22:18:00.002-06:00

1.) you used to be able to navigate the house and its obsticles with no problem, even if you were so drunk you couldn't remember to wear pants. Now you've moved back and you're fumbling with a light switch, stone sober, cursing your parents for moving it on you.

2.) Forgetting to take that extra step out of the doorway and tripping over the Gatorade that you know is there, and still trip over.

3.) Walking into the wall instead of where you think the bathroom door is.

4.) Stepping on the cat. The gold cat.

5.) You throw your cigarette butts wherever, and hope for the best.

6.) Your body is not used to smoking outside.

On the bright side I do still know my father's footfalls and where he's going as he walks. First he feeds the cats, this is accompanied by the ting ting of their dishes. Then he goes and turns off the Christmas lights before making sure the basement door is closed, Garage door locked and then he'll close the blinds before heading upstairs to bed.

Five minutes after this I am safe to roam about the house like a ninja. Well used to be ninja. Now I'm more like a one legged hobo in a fucking obstacle course.

And Life continues as normal.

2009-12-14T01:21:00.004-06:00

You would think being married would make us a bit more mature and less strange. Turns out, this is not the case.

dumdum: How was the film?
Jen: Shitty as hell
Jen: Like HD is total crap
Jen: I mean the special effects sucked balls
dumdum: yeah I figured they would
dumdum: fuck HD
dumdum: and
dumdum: you had to watch it on such a small substandard tv too
dumdum: and the couch is so far away
Jen: I know :(
Jen: My life is so hard.
dumdum: yeah
Jen: This computer is actually made of coconuts. :/

As much as I miss him, I'm going to miss these moronic conversations as well.

dumdum: this one is made of rasins
Jen: I'd say don't eat it, but you hate raisins.
dumdum: yeah only good for making computers with really
Jen: They're Grapes that just didn't make the cut :(
Jen: Or the wine, rather.
Jen: Or the jelly
Jen: In fact.. I don't think you're ready for this Jelly.
Jen: Sorry 2 say, BB.
Jen: But Keep your hands off the jelly.
Jen: Stick to the preserves, they have chunks of fruit.
Jen: No raisins though.
dumdum: Which ninja injected you with liquid crack while you were away?

Inspiration

2009-12-09T02:15:00.003-06:00

I know, I know. I promised I'd talk about the wedding and having my new family here and leading the British around. And I know I was going to talk about life after the fire, and everything thats been going on.. But its.. Its just not what I want to talk about. so HA.

Tonight I watched Julie and Julia. For those of you not familar with the book/movie it's about a woman who wanted to be a writer, gave up half way through and started working in a call center after 9/11. She wanted something more out of life and started blogging. 365 days for all the recipes in Julia Child's cook book, Mastering the Art of French Cooking.

Well she did it, but as I'm watching I'm thinking "I have a brand new cook book. I love writing."
John and I joked when we opened the cook book that we'd cook a recipe each day, trying it out. And that it'd take me over 2 years to finish. And it would, there are about 700 recipes in it. But I figure, why not?

Why not combine the two things I love more than tulle, tiaras and Facebook? Cooking and writing. Add in some picture taking, maybe a video here and there.. and I could actually have the cooking blog I've thought about making for over a year now.

I'll have nothing but free time when I get to England, and plenty of people I can feed if I invite them over. I don't see the problem, and since the wedding, I'm actually super excited about something.

So stay tuned, because soon I'm going to have another blog, and hopefully I'll update it far more than I've been updating this one.

And because you've been so patient I'll throw in a picture of the Groom and I dancing to our first dance.

You're very Welcome.

Aftermath: Thoughts

2009-12-04T03:21:00.003-06:00

"When are you moving to England?" Is the question on everyone's mind, including my own. I know, it's a big move. I know it's stressful.. and I know right now its a pain in the ass.

We started doing the visa today but it requested a "Departure date" and a "return date" which is just silly because I won't leave until I know when they will let me, and I plan on not returning. Other than to visit. So right now it's all a pain in the ass.

A lot of people have been asking how married life has been, and to be honest it feels the same as it did when John came to visit. We hang out, watch TV, internet fun, and just spend time together. Which is what we do. Nothing feels differently to me, maybe him because now he's married.. I don't know. To me it feels the same.

Granted I'm fully aware I'm married. But I'm also fully aware that come Sunday night I have to say goodbye yet again, like I always do. And I'm going to have to be strong and hold back my tears and pretend that I'm a seasoned pro at this. You'd think after three years I'd be ok with all of this, but it sucks that I know I'm not going back with him.

It seriously sucks.

Edit: Visa people got back to us Via email and said they can't tell us what to put. Wtf. That makes no sense. This is the biggest pain in the ass ever. :/ would have been easier if I was English. Or he was American.

Fuck us for being the most unconventional couple ever. :(

I'm a Wifey

2009-12-01T10:32:00.002-06:00

Thought I would do a quick update while I wait for John to finish showering. Yes, it's all true. I'm married now. No longer a Boyd.. well Legally I am still but thats only because changing your name is a pain in the ass and it might make the visa take even longer to get.

I had a lovely wedding. Nothing went wrong, and if it did I didn't notice and didn't actually give a shit. So yay me!

I'll update with pictures when I get some more, and tell you all about my crazy insane week. Unless I drink myself into a coma and forget it all- which is more than likely.

Adjusting

2009-11-13T22:40:00.004-06:00

We've been moving things out, slowly. It hasn't sunk in completely yet. I'm living at Jo-anne's my old manager from Applebees aka my third mother. Which I am ever thankful for.

The hardest part of this is not seeing Jes daily to talk and catch up on the day or playing with that baby and making him laugh.

I wasn't ready to say good bye to both of them yet. And here we are. And it fucking sucks. :(

Edit: No one died, mind you. We're just not living together so I can't see them every day and it makes me sad.

Holy shit! My apartment is on Fire!

2009-11-10T08:10:00.002-06:00

Last night I was sitting in my room minding my own business when Jes knocked on my door. "Do you smell that?" she asked me before both of us wandered around the living room sniffing, out in the hallways sniffing and finally towards her room.
She went in her room to check on the baby and opened up her closet door, then her bathroom door and smoke poured out.
She moved things away from the heater thinking her bathmat had caught fire but when everything was ok she looked at me, "Fire. We gotta get out."

I Scooped up the the baby, his blanket and stopped in my room to get my Cell phone, Jacket and purse. I ran outside, wrapping the baby in his blanket and my coat. Dressed in basketball shorts, t-shirt and barefoot I wondered just how bad it was going to get.

Jes ran back in 2-3 times to get the diaper bag, cigarettes for both of us and most importantly- shoes for me. We stood there, watching the fire trucks arrive; wondering if we were going to have anything at the end of the night.

It took 6 hours before we were able to get to our parent's houses. 6 hours of watching them tromp around our apartment. 6 hours of tears, laughter and hugs. They had knocked her window out, and cut holes in our ceiling. (We have skylights now.) After it was all over they let us inside to get some things and even though there was no power I could see how damaged and destroyed everything was.

My belongings are pretty much fine since my bedroom was in the back of the building. Jes' bathroom and closet were right next to the fire. Neither of us have Bathrooms at the moment, her closet was gutted and you can see the studs of the building.

I was lucky, and because of that we can rebuild. We can buy new things. What is important is everyone got out safe, even our fish; Cookie. I spent the night at my moms house and even after a large captain and diet (Yes I saved that from the apartment) I still couldn't stop shaking.

It's sunk in a bit more today, but it probably wont be horrifying until I go back there to gather more of my things.

Oh yeah. It was a GREAT Monday.

An Ode to David

2009-11-07T01:47:00.002-06:00

It's not so much a poem.
As sentences with spaces.
The first time I spoke to you,
I was late for work.
Your hair astounded me.
I questioned your sexuality.
You wanted to hit this,
But I wanted the loser nerd from next door.
Bad choice on my part, yes?
But better because if you broke up with me,
I'd have killed you.
Show tunes and curly fries,
Wee hours of the morning.
Dancing, Singing and laughing.
This poem sucks.
But I'll keep going.
It reminds me of you.
The suckiness.
And the fact that it's about you.

We were drunk.
You came out.
I wasn't surprised.
Patti cried.
"Shhh. SHHHH."
Drunk comforting is not my forte.
You are not a ninja.
I love you anyway.
Pasta sauce and a bag of pepper.
Delicious yet it burns.

You got me high, we laughed.
I ate a salami, Chocolate chip cookie and salsa sandwich.
I win at being high.
Naked in pools.
Drunk nights.
Mafia. Myspace. Facebook.
Welcome to my world.

"Show me your scrotum"
They thought it was me.
Laughter. Pwnful. Win.

The men are all ugly,
Come here Gay boy,
lets make out in a closet.
It's like 2 years ago all over again.

French fries. Burgers.
Milkshakes. Other foods.
You ever realize we eat a lot?
This poem is really long.
Its not even a poem.
Its like a lazy blog.
Dedicated to you.
Sorry Readers.
You're welcome Poodle.

Speaking of...
You'll always be my Poodle.
And I'll always be your Pookie.
And I promise when you come to England
We'll be drunk and obnoxious
and I'll make you cook for me.
bring your spring form pan.
BITCH.

LOVE YOU.

Truth Vs. Not True

2009-10-28T03:29:00.004-05:00

Truth:

I have been a crappy sister in the past. And I have done more than enough to make up for it.
I have been a shitty daughter in the past, but I have tried and will continue to make up for it.
I have been a shitty friend in the past, but I am re-connecting and making up for it.

Untrue:
That I am a shitty sister, when I try so hard to understand things about you and you go and blame everything on me. Instead of saying what is wrong with US you say everything that is wrong with your life. I can love you unconditionally, but I can't fix the burden you continue to place on my shoulder, and enough is enough. I'm not a shitty sister, so stop blaming your issues on me.

That I am a shitty aunt.
I have four children at the moment who know me as Auntie Jen. There would be a fifth but other reasons prevent it. Those children are my life. The two oldest are the reason I can still laugh and the reason I still try to make something out of myself, to be a good example. And the other two as well, even if they and I are not related. These kids are my reason for doing everything that I do, and being everything that I can be. And making any of them laugh, or smile is the whole reason I haven't given up. So when you sit there and say I'm a shitty aunt, look at who else is involved and question it a bit further. Because there are four kids who look up to me, and laugh with me and are showered with my love and affection..

I am a shitty sister:
I have several siblings who love me. I assumed you were one of them. Lay off the guilt trip, I'm not the person you're fighting. The past is the past, be a man and man up to your mistakes.

I'm a shitty person in general:
Perhaps this is true. But I have people who love me and support me, and for that I am ever thankful. I have people who laugh with me, who joke with me and make me smile. I have people who want to spend time with me, and enjoy it. can you say the same? Probably not. Get over yourself, you're really not that special.

Pat, I love you. But this war you've been fighting your whole life isn't directed at me, Dave or anyone else. You have to grow up and take responsibilities for your actions. And some of them you had, but some of them you're still holding a grudge. We love you, we want what is best for you, and although SOME OF US CANT SAY IT AT TIMES, we do.

I'm your little sister, and I want what is best for you, and maybe I can't fix anything other than your grammar, but know its because I want you to better yourself. It's not because I want to belittle you. And you can think and believe what you want, but I will continue with my battle cry long after you've lost wind.

Because try as you might, I'm far more stubborn than you, and I've always believed you can do better than what you're doing now. That is right, not your but you're As in YOU ARE DESTINED TO BETTER THINGS THAN YOU ARE NOW.

I love you and I'm sorry. But if anyone is going to get through to you, it'll be me. It hasn't happened yet, but it's bound to. Right? I hope so.

Life

2009-10-25T02:44:00.002-05:00

Life has kinda thrown me for a loop, nothing bad mind you. Been hanging out at my moms more, which is good because she keeps me in check and tells me when I'm being a complete moron. Which sometimes is a lot more often than I need. She'll sit me down and talk about things, and listen to both sides (Pat..sigh.) and then offer advice and words of wisdom. And I don't say my mom is wise very often, but after so many kids she probably knows us better than we know ourselves.

Since the Emily fiasco of 09' I have found a new bridesmaid, who wears a size 9 so some alterations and the wedding will still be even, which I love. Yay Chantel! I have been babysitting for her, which was exhausting and tiring and what not. Took baby to his first diner, introduced him to yummy cottage cheese and hashrbowns. Been spending more time in the living room with Jes and Homie D thug, and its going to suck to not have a small child to play with whenever I want, but thats life, eh?

Been avoiding any real task, such as packing or sorting things. Which I'm not surprised at. I knew it would be the hardest part, seeing as its the one that sucks the most. "What? I can't possibly throw away this lawn gnome! George is my homie!" And then my mother rolls her eyes and puts him in the keep box. Granted, she may have thrown him away after all. But come on! That lawn gnome is from Crystal's 13th birthday. He's been with me 10 years! HOW DO YOU GET RID OF SOMETHING THAT AWEOSME!?

The other night I got drunk, SHOCK I KNOW, and wanted to watch the princess bride. So I tried to download it. Downloaded a virus instead. Whippee! Computer is fucked. I can still get online, which is great, but can't talk on MSN really, and the Virus scan isn't working.
The cost of having it fixed + Shipping = More than the computer itself cost. So.. yea. 50 bucks for a 600 dollar computer anyone?

vista. Lots of memory and Ram. Will do system restore before you get it. Yeah, cuz I'm awesome.
So yea, John is on the phone now so thats my cue to wrap this up. LATER KIDS.

Its the little nerdy things he does to make me smile..

2009-10-24T23:13:00.000-05:00

To do list

2009-10-22T14:56:00.003-05:00

Since I didn't have to babysit this morning due to a small child being sick I've slept a long ass time and now have to go do stuff. Mainly because I think the baby I live with is also sick and tired of him screaming and fussing so she's yelling at him. Crying babies I can take. Yelling adults, not so much.

So I am off. First stop is going to be the walgreens where I will pick up a massive bottle of water and an even larger redbull. Because thats how I roll. Over caffinated and stuff.
Then to the Tux place to drop off the boys sizes thus far, and get the neck sizes of Van and Dad. Then off to the craft store in Algonquin to pick up more bags, which is silly because I can't actually do anything with them- but If I'm going to run errands I might as well get them all out of the way. I need to call Taylor stevens to see if they'll do the bridal package and how much that would cost for hair and makeup.

I also need to find a nail salon and book that appointment, and get the rest of the candy. It's going to be a long day, but I think being busy and out of this room will be good for me. Yay me!

Caffine, I'm coming!

Sigh.

2009-10-13T04:30:00.002-05:00

I've been in a funk. There are things for me to do, I'm aware of this. I talk about what I need to get done often. Laundry, packing, cleaning my mother's garage.. all of them need to get done. But whats stopping me? My depression. I'm in a funk I can't get out of, I know whats causing it and I wish I could just shake it off, get over it and move the fuck on.

What Funk you ask? Emily. How do I fix it? I can't. Do I need to move on? Yes. can I ? I don't know.
So many things upset me. I slip into my accent and crack a joke and a feeling of sadness comes over me. A song plays and I tear up. Its like someone died, but much worse this time. (SORRY GRANDMA.)

She was supposed to come with me for the first week or so and help me settle in, explore and adventure all throughout London with me, and now.. Its me and my fanny pack all alone.
Me alone packing my things. No one to give the stuff I don't want too, no one to stand there going "Do you really need that?" When I protest and pack something I really don't need.

No one to drive with at 2am. No one to sing with.. My passenger seat is covered in garbage and crap because theres no one to sit there. I'm alone. Its bad enough I miss john, but now Im Friendless and I just.. I don't know.

I'm sorry, I needed to get it off my chest. Im sure you're all sick of my moody bouts of whininess but.. Yeah. I don't eat right, I stopped drinking, except for tonight. I sleep all day, get up at night and pick fights with people because Im in such a shitty mood. I don't know how to fix this. My mood is at an all time low and even rum isn't picking it up. Dancing in my car, chair, Room isn't helping. Laughter works for a bit but after an hour or so I'm back to where I was before.

I hate that my other friends are fixing this, its not their faults, its something that is wrong with me. Something I need to figure out and find a fix for, not them. And as much as I socialize and joke and laugh.. It always feels like something is missing.

That something is you, Em.

How about you work in my favor, Weather?

2009-10-10T09:29:00.002-05:00

So last night I went to bed at 720pmish. I was woken up at 11:38Pm by the baby. No problem, roll over and go back to sleep right? NOPE. WRONG. Bladder was all "empty me! Empty me!" so I did that and realized I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep because my body assumed that was all the sleep it was going to get. Awesome, thanks body!

So I've been awake all night, playing NQ2 and MR and chatting on IRC and #Trivia and thats great and dandy. John calls at 7am, and we decided I will try to sleep. If not I will get up, shower, eat and go to my moms.

Couldn't sleep. Got up, showered haven't eaten but notice it's 32 Degrees outside even though the sun is shining. My thing to do at my mom's is outside. Uhm.. Nope. Not going. So I stayed up all night essentially so I could just shower? Maybe knit a bit? Pwn John at MR? Kick butt at NQ2?

I don't know, but Its too cold to wear flipflops thus too cold for Jen.

Imma give it an hour or so and if it doesn't warm up I'm going to bed. Yes.

Done Vs. Didn't

2009-10-07T22:47:00.002-05:00

Things that I have done in the last week

Laundry.
Dishes
Cooked
Read
Watched TV
Wrote
Got addicted to more FB games
Hung out with my Big sister and her family
Started smoking again
Talked on the phone
laughed
cried
danced
Talked a lot about what needed to get done

What I didn't do this week

Take advice that I didn't agree with
Be overly social to pretend I'm ok
Blog (Except for right now)
Laugh so hard I cried
Drink
Visit my father
Clean my room
Put clean laundry away
sort things so my upcoming exportation is easier
get pregnant (We're all happy, I assure you.)
Bake a pie
Finish cleaning my mother's garage
feel remorse
be so depressed that I was holed up in my room.
go running
quit smoking
lose weight

So as you can see, I've been enjoying not doing anything. Which is enjoyable but very unproductive. Gained 10 pounds. Either that or my scale is broken. Not sure which, but either way I'm going to bed early tonight for the first night in a week. I've been staying up late because John and I can't talk on the phone (Phone bill = 300) so he's working days and I'm staying up till 5-7am to chat with him online, and maybe a few times on the phone while I have free nights.
It's hard, I miss him so much.

I was supposed to go out there after he got the apartment, but it seems like such a waste of 800 dollars that could and will be put towards sending my stuff there, having fun with my friends, and apparently now paying my massive phone bill. Its not that I didn't want to go, because I did. But in a week or so I'm going to be out of my mind with stress and each passing day is just going to make it worse.

So it's best that I'm here so I can curl up in a ball and freak out on my bed. Yes. Or you know, get stuff done. But there's always tomorrow, right?

Death of Friendship

2009-09-30T21:41:00.002-05:00

I knew it was coming. The times between seeing each other got longer, and the times spent together were shorter. I knew it was happening when something every time I saw you irritated me, or vice versa. I was only hoping that maybe, we'd make it until I left, so our friendship could fade away and we'd be left with the happy moments that make us laugh out loud when we're alone doing something that has nothing to do with anything. When a single word triggers a memory and makes us burst into a fit of giggles.

I don't know who I'm going to sit on the floor of my bed room drinking wine and laughing about the memories, the jokes and even the crap I have piled around. I don't know who to cook for, who to nag or who to worry about.

So lets raise a glass, one last time. Because it wasn't meant to be, because it was the best 85 years of my life, because of the laughter the tears and the strange looks. For the the candy bars thrown at us, the wine and alcohol we drank, the food we cooked, the drives we took and the servers who's lives we've changed. Raise a glass for the inside jokes, the late night musical drives, the walks, the adventures and the mozzarella sticks. And if not any of that, raise your glass because we've both changed, for the better, in some aspects for the worst. But we've changed, I've been changed by you, and I only hope that I had some effect on you.

"You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart."

Thanks for 85 years Emily, I was hoping to make it to 126, but we don't always get what we wish for.

Armor for Sleep

2009-09-30T21:32:00.001-05:00

Believe the news, I'm gone for good.
Call off the search, no one will know that I'm down here
Believe the note I left for you
You can't turn back the clocks, you can't pull me up from here, so don't try

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

Make time slower, give me longer.
It's too late for me, no one will know that I'm down here.
And believe your dreams of me sinking
so far, below, you can't pull me up from here so don't try.

In a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

Leave it up to me. To burden you again.
This ones not your fault. Please forgive me.

Leave it up to me (leave it up to me). To burden you again (To burden you again).
This ones not your fault. So forget, so forget, so forget me.

Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Just let me go.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Just let me go.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

and I would still die for you
I would still die for you
and I would still die for you
I would still die for you
and I would still die for you...

Mean- Pink

2009-09-28T17:00:00.001-05:00

You know, I get so sad when it all goes bad
And all you think about is all the fun you had
And all those sorries ain't never gonna mean a thing, oh

How did we get so mean?
How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone?
Is it cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

Oh, we said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck tryna hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe,
But we shoulda drank it down while it was still sweet
It all goes bad eventually

Now do we stay together cause we're scared to be alone?
We got so used to this abuse, it kind of feels like home
But, my baby, I just really wanna know, oh,
How did we get so mean?

Realization

2009-09-28T04:40:00.002-05:00

Im not going to bend over backwards to make people happy. I'm not going to offer opinions to those who refuse to listen/follow them, even when asked for them. I'm not going to spend my life coddling people who refuse to say thank you.

I'm not your mother, any of you, so now it's time to focus on those who matter. Focus on those who appreciate me, who make me feel better about myself. Hell the people willing to offer encouragement and support with out being asked.

And more importantly it's time for me to put myself first, just a tiny bit. It'll be a struggle, but I think maybe at some point I can manage it. Because somewhere along the way, I got this crazy ass amazing support system, and even if I stumble in my quest to get rid of this self loathing and pity, they'll be there with a word or two to get me back on my feet.

And that is all any girl could ever hope/ask/wish for.

Weight

2009-09-28T01:06:00.004-05:00

All of my life I thought I was over weight. When I was in 8th grade the other girls were 80-95lbs and I was 100 and I thought I was fat. I have a big bone structure, not that my bones are big, but I'm wider. I don't look like I weigh what I do, never have.

But I get it, after gaining 100lbs in a year I'm fat. Sure I've lost some, but I'm still 100lbs over what I was in highschool. I used to hate being a size 9. Or even a size 10. And now I long to be that size again, and no matter what I do it doesn't seem to be working. I eat less, eat better and whats that? I've gained weight? Fantastic.

I've always been a "Make fun of your flaws first so it matters less when others do it." Kinda person. Fat joke flow freely, when I'm around. Not at other people, at myself. I've run out of jokes and now it's starting to get to me. Maybe I'm being sensitive, maybe I'm being over emotional. I'm not sure. What I do know is the next person to tell me I have sausage fingers is going to die.

I dish it out, so I should be able to take it. Turns out everyone has a breaking point and I may have reached mine. God, I only hope in a day or so this "sensitive about my weight" issue lifts, because I fucking hate being this choked up about something that is clearly my own damn fault.
It's one thing to be upset that you have cancer, it's a completely different thing to be upset because you have a fondness for Oreos and chicken full of butter.

Come on Jen, stop acting like a girl and go back to acting like yourself god damn it. This change in personality is not helpful or healthy. Hating yourself and how you look is not the way forward.

I guess It's time to stop putting it off...

2009-09-20T04:54:00.002-05:00

Jesus Christ it's been a while, hasn't it? I'd apologize, but I'm not the least bit sorry- I'm upset, but not sorry. Why am I upset? Because writers block, as a whole, is shitty. I have had many things happen in the last few weeks and all I can muster up to write about is lyrics and whatever the fuck else I said on here.

Seriously. Get. Me. Out. Of. My. Head. Plz.

Ok, so whats going on in the life of Jen? I quit my shitty ass job. I hated it. I wanted to quit. It just happened sooner rather than later. Am I sorry? Fuck no. Do I miss it? HELLZ NO.
Why'd I quit? Well other than the obvious, John and I were fighting and I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't go to work and pretend to give a shit about anything anyone said to me, so I turned around, called in and made up with John.

Wedding plans are coming along nicely. Few more bits and bobs to take care of, but essentially I'm done. Lets pat me on the back, shall we? I planned a wedding in a little over a month. That alone has to be record breaking.
Shipped Sarah's dress the other day. 140 dollar dress that weighs roughly 5lbs if that... 112 dollars to ship it. And no, it's not overnight. I was flabbergasted. Completely flabbergasted.
So yeah, next two days or so I'm counting dimes to get cigarettes, and not going anywhere because I have no gas or money.

Garage sale this weekend! Well.. Not this weekend, THIS COMING THURSDAY FRIDAY AND SATURDAY. If you know me IRL and you live near me, PLZ COME BUY MY STUFFS K? K.
That is all.

John has put an offer on an apartment. We're waiting to hear back from them. But it is the CUTEST little place, and it's not even that little. And get this.. KITCHEN HAS A WINDOW! I LOVE WINDOWS! IN KITCHENS! YAY!
So fingers crossed on that one, because he really wants the place, and so do I oddly enough. And as soon as he has it, we're hoping for me to fly out there to help pick out a bed, decorate a bit and maybe get some of my shit over because I'm scared to think how much it would be to ship a fucking box of books to England. My guess is a few hundred :(

I hate parting with my belongings, but its a necessary evil, I suppose.

Hmm, Im sure there was more to tell you, but I can't remember it- so we'll say goodnight to this blog post and hopefully tomorrow I'll figure it out/have more to say.

Lyrical Saturday

2009-09-19T20:57:00.002-05:00

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are lead to those, who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return. Well I don't know if I believe that true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you...I have been changed for good... In a world may be, we will never meet again, in this lifetime so let me say before we part, so much of me, is made of what I've learned from you, you'll be with me, like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine, by being my friend...."

Wicked Soundtrack
For Good

Never a moment of Peace

2009-09-11T11:01:00.002-05:00

I want to comment on my current living arrangements. My roommate is back to normal. Life in this tiny apartment is pleasant. I still hide away in my room, but that has more to do with liking solitude and computer location rather than fear and annoyance.

Downside to this apartment complex? For the last 5 months or so there has been a couple who love to have screaming matches. Every night. It's become my daily guilty pleasure, to sit at the window with a cigarette and listen to the screaming that echos through the complex.
So as much as I enjoy my daily Verbal Soap Opera, I wish late at night she wouldn't stand in the parking lot sobbing, or early morning screaming at him.

Middle of the afternoon is a good time, but thats about it.

So as peaceful as it is in this particular apartment, 2B, the rest of the complex is noisy as hell. But it's only a few more months, and it's kinda become the norm.

Wedding Drama

2009-09-08T12:55:00.002-05:00

Hi. Me again. I know, I missed you too. Anyway..

As some of you may have read, I don't speak to my Father's side of the family. I've met them, but I have seen them twice since I was 2 years old. So that's 21 years of no contact at all. Part of it is because my half brother, Pat, is black and my grandma is a racist. Another part of that is because.. Well I'm not sure why.

Now, My dad told me to invite his mom, his three sisters and a few other people. I invited the ones I knew. I also invited his sister Lisa because I was pretty much bullied into it.
My dad has been getting Grief from his mom about me not inviting Julie, my aunt who I have no recollection of.
I threw a fit. I did, I called her and told her "Yes, we're technically family, but these people are strangers." And she's not happy about it.

I have an invitation I changed my mind about and could easily send off to Julie right now, but these people knew where I was. My address hadn't changed since I was 10. so in 13 years a card, a phone call, some sort of effort to be like "Hey, we're family." But instead.. nothing.

And now I'm supposed to invite strangers to my wedding, which has limited space as it is, just because we're related? Uhm. I don't think so.
I want to send the invite just because it keeps teh peace. I don't want to send the invite because I don't know these people and wedding is not a place to get to know me, sorry.

The whole situation is batshit crazy and pissing me off. I wish there was a simple solution to my issue, and I have a feeling I'm just going to cave and send the damn invite to her.
Fuck.

Putting the Labor into Labor day

2009-09-07T22:25:00.000-05:00

I moved furniture today. Carried it up stairs, down stairs, shifted everything in my room so it looks and feels different. Whole place looks bigger now. Amazing.

I was going to write about my entire day but it sounded boring and unfunny. Which is was. So I'll spare you the details and just let you know that peppered beef jerky sucks.

50 things about me

2009-09-02T02:41:00.002-05:00

I learned how to drink on Captain morgan and to this day, years later, it's my drink of choice.
I've owned two cars in my life. One was free the other I've paid off.
I have an obsession with books. I want a Kindle, but I have a relationship with books.
I dance around my room mouthing words into a hairbrush when I'm sad. It cheers me right up.
Mafia.org is where I met John.
I call John Trevikins on Mafia.org
It's the mafia and he has the gayest nickname ever from it.
My parents all contributed from my music taste. Elvis and Country from my mom, Cher from my other Mom and Oldies from my dads.
I actually prefer savory over sweet. I don't really like cake that much. Sorry.
I drive like a crazy person, and talk to the cars infront of me. "Excuse me, Ford Taurus, can you please at least go the speed limit or...GET THE FUCK OFF TEH ROAD?! THANKS....Maybe? No? Damn."
I might be secretly greek or Italian with the urge to feed people.
I only cook when someone else is going to eat it, cooking for myself is gay.
I am horribly shy. Crowds are a no thank you.
I used to love Navy before walmart.
I still have shoes from 2000. And I love them.
Im scared of heights, spiders, death, thunderstorms and Semi's.
The hardest part about moving to England is leaving Alex and Emily. The two people who get really super excited to see me. (Everyone else too, but those two have the best greetings)
I love shoes. Seriously. If I didn't have wide feet I'd be broke.
I used to steal thongs from Charotte russe. My mom would hide them. On my 18th birthday I got a hatbox full of thongs. I still ahve the box adn most of the thongs.
My mother is my best friend.
I'm turning into both of my mom's.
The two people I want to be like in life are My mom and my big sister. Except I don't want to drunkenly break my toliet paper holder. (Heh.)
Everything makes me cry. Country songs, Commercials, Movies, Sitcoms, books and even comics.
If I hug you, you're awesome. Thats the general rule of thumb.
I have always thought I was fat. Since I was about 12. Only now is it true.
I still sleep with my teddy bear.
I'm a packrat. I keep everything. I have a gnome I stole from someone's yard when I was 13.
I regret the friends I've lost.
I've had a lot of awesome friends.
I'm horrified that I will never amount to anything. ever.
I secretly read my little sisters Kid books. And I love them.
I cried when someone knocked me over in 1st grade and my copy of the Wizard of Oz fell into a puddle. I continued reading, but it was hard.
I couldn't read like the other kids. I was taken to a specialist at the school, who taught me. I haven't stopped since.
I have a friend named David who I call "Poodle" and I'm his "Pookie"
I blog as an excuse to not write a book.
I can rap. To songs already on the radio. Not like freestyle.
Poetry is fun.
fifty was a really big number.
I decided to like the color pink freshman year because it was so uncool. It then became cool. I haven't changed my mind.
My grandma used to serve me cereal with half and half as the milk.
My grandma always had raisin bread on hand.
Funerals can apparently be fun.
I cry at everything but am also emotionally retarded.
Drinking makes me happy.
I have to pee.
Seriously fifty was a stretch.
I was in Set crew in Highschool but longed for teh spotlight. My stage fright prevented it.
I love playing volleyball and have a mean overhand serve.
I hate socks.
I wad up my toilet paper so I can use more.

A letter to my life...

2009-08-30T09:23:00.003-05:00

Dear Walmart,
You have your ups and your serious serious downs. But the thing that makes me irritated the most is the lack of a life I have due to your crazy hours. I work 9 hours and then I'm so tired all I want to do is sit. It doesn't help that you make me work every weekend either.
So We're fixing this. You're going to make me work less. Enjoy my lack of hours, bitch.
Love,
Jen

Dear Vodka,
I love you. I hate you. On the brightside you made a mundane Saturday night a fun one. So thank you.
Maybe I will drink more of you tonight.
Love,
Jen

Dear Liver,
I'm sorry.
Love,
Jen

Dear Facebook,
Is there some way to block facebook when I'm drunk? Same with my blog? Because honestly I feel bad for my friends. I really do. I get drunk and all Photo oppy.
And then rambly. This is why that guy created IRC. For drunk nerds to hang out and be awesome.
Status updates don't need to happen every 4 minutes, but Drunk me seems to think so. (Bored me to, but I have no excuse for that.)
Life in general needs a Drunk block.
Love,
Jen

Dear Jen,
Seriously. You rock.
Love,
Me.

Saving the World

2009-08-29T23:53:00.003-05:00

I'm drunk but I pomise this Idea came around 515PM when I was on break. There were two black guys who I honestly wouldn't have given the time of day, but I heard them calling people sir and ma'am so my resolve broke down and I asked them what they were selling.
Turns out these two ghetto kids were trying to earn some money for their football team in the southside of Chicago.
Frankly just hearing they were from the southside made me want to donate, but I'm broke. So Instead I wished them luck and felt like and ass.

I want to save the world. Any of my friends who know me, know this. I want all the children cared for, and all the homes fed. I know I don't have enough money to reach out to every child. But I do know I have enough to reach out to those who are close to me.
My little brother is smart, regardless of what people tell you, and my little sister is too damn curious to do anything other than a zoologist. And my niece and nephew? I can't tell you what they want to be, but whatever it is, in the later years, I want them to have the chance I never had.

I know for a fact that if I ever gave a shit about college or thought I would make it through my ACT's I'd have tried a bit harder. But after hearing what my real parents had to say, I gave up. With out 100% Encouragement, I gave up. With a slight disadvantage over the other kids, (Adhd and Learning disabled) I gave up. I did. I didn't bother learning to spell, turn in my homework or give a shit about school.

I assumed that since I had no real means, I had no way to pay the way. Not all the way through it. So I never too school seriously. No one ever said, "College, Thats what you should do." No one. And I don't blame my family, since I never took school seriouisly, so how were they to know?

But I don't want people I love, who are intelligent and smart, to suffer. I want my niece and Nephew to go to whatever college they go to, and I want my little brother and sister to have a head start on it, even if thats all I can give them.

I'm not rich. Not in the least. ever dollar I get has a plan. I just need everyone else to see it, the way I do. And if they don't accept it, so be it. But the though and the love was there. Even if they don't understand.

This is why wine is always a bad choice

2009-08-21T15:45:00.001-05:00

Hi. I have things to say, but I'll update you on that later. Just wanted to share with you one of my more crazy moments. Seriously, why someone introduced me to the internet, I'll never know. It was a bad choice for the world. Sorry world.

Seriously?

2009-08-13T14:36:00.001-05:00

It can never be "Peachy Keen" ever, can it? It's like a rule to life, "Something must be fucked up." there is no complete happiness and goodness knows when the shit hits the fan you're just going to covered in it, aren't you?

Fuck.

As you all know, my car was dead. Then it was better. Turns out it's broke still and I'm supposed to take it in today. I know I should, I know I need to. But look at the time! I just wont have enough time between now and 4 to get to work. Shame, really.

And if that wasn't bad enough I woke up this morning to a male voice in my apartment. One that sounds really fuckin' familiar. Oh, Hey Joey. Back to beat the shit out of Jes some more? Or maybe just scream a lot and make living here horrible? Awesome. Good. Go ahead and take her happiness away again, its totally what needed to be done.

SERIOUSLY!? WHAT THE FUCK JES. YOU ARE NOT STUPID, SO STOP ACTING LIKE IT.

I need to stop giving friends good advice just so they can ignore and and do the exact opposite of what I said. IM LOOKIN' AT YOU EMILY. So it's cool. It's your life, you do what you want. But I'm thinking that maybe in a week when the first fight is thrown, I'm kicking his ass out. Either that, or Jes can figure out how to pay the rent herself.

Or you now, I'll hate my life and be locked in my room like normal. But its good to have thoughts of taking a stand for yourself, isn't it?

Lack of sleep, Walmart and Reading Rainbow

2009-08-08T21:48:00.003-05:00

I think someone should come over when it's time for me to go to bed and just sit in the corner making sure I'm not doing things. And by things, I mean literally anything. I need someone to stare at me to make sure I'm laying there with my eyes closed instead of laying there reading, eating ice cream maybe even sitting online. It never ends well.

Heres how it works, I find something to do and after an hour or two when it's 12am I'm going "Well 5 hours of sleep isn't enough, might as well just stay up all night." And then...I DO. But every few hours I look at the time and repeat it, changing the amount of sleep I'm not getting. "Well, 2 hours and 24 minutes just isn't going to do. I Can never deal with Walmart people on that amount."

I'm terrified of being late. I Hate it, I'm overly punctuall and I actually will forsake sleep if It means I get to work on time. I'm also very all or nothing when it comes to my sleep. I will sleep 13 hours in the drop of a hat, but 3? NO, thats unheard of. Even my naps turn into mini sleep marathons.
I love sleeping, it's warm, relaxing, great dreams etc etc.

So I really need to start sleeping. I was doing so well until someone threw the 6:30AM shift at me. THANKS GUYS. And then instead of coming home and staying awake like I wanted to, I just passed out. Didn't mean to but it was just so fucking hot in this room, and I was so god damn tired.

So now I'm going to be up all night. On the brightside my dishes will get done and my room will most likely get cleaned. Horrah I suppose?

And another really good reason for why I should sleep is Walmart people/customers are so much easier to deal with when I've had like 17 hours of coma. It's so true, little things don't bother me, I don't get really honest telling customers I hate my job. It works out all around for everything, I think.

Oh. And anyone wanna be my suga daddy and take me book shopping? The reading rainbow is about to die in my room with a lack of books. I will... Uhm... find a midget to service you? Awesome.

Happy Birthday Laeci

2009-08-07T03:10:00.003-05:00

My friend from Walmart, Laeci, turned 19 er..yesterday.. and I did what any self respecting 23 year old would do, I got her drunk. When I was 19 I had kids buying for me and celebrating the proper way. We were responsible, I had two drinks and was sober by the time it came to drive them home, but she had a blast. And to me, that is all that matters.

We started off the night with me reading a book and wanting to finish it even though I knew I had to go, so I finally packed it in my purse and headed to applebees for dinner. After dinner Steve showed up, and since he had to work, he was tired and opted out of the drinking. Something to do with a white sox game but since they suck, I didn't pay attention.

We played games, laughed a lot and ended up running around on the playground. May I just say that Fat girl over here raced Laeci and won? Thats right, running. Not Pie eating, or facebook updating, running. And I won. Small victory. Caused Jes to bust out laughing.

Then Steve drove the girls home and I drove the boys home in the boy's car. Steve took me back home and was an absolute sweetheart about it. I owe him some cake, or more vodka. Maybe cake filled with vodka.

Laeci had a great night and so did the rest of us. So Laeci, Manny, Daniel, Amanda and Steve, thank you. <3 You guys rock my world.

Must suck to have such a shitty life

2009-08-06T03:51:00.002-05:00

Due to the influx of awesome and heartfelt comments here at Stale Cigarettes and Flat Diet coke, I've had to make it so comments need to be approved by me.
This isn't because I can't handle a fat comment, or an insult to my intelligence by a lesser human, it's because I'm tired of the nameless asshats doing it. Put a name on it, your real one, and I might change it. Until then your bitchiness gets no air time here.

So it's like 4am and I'm wide awake. I'm half tempted to go for a walk, to go get smokes or breakfast or just some fresh air. But I also know I need to clean and sort through my laundry and get a head start on tomorrow. So much to do, so little time.
At some point I need to get my laundry done, but its so damn hard when Jes is constantly doing hers, you know, with a baby and all.

And as long as I dont run out of navy and Khaki I'm fine with it. And frankly even if I do, I'll wear smelly clothes since I care that little about my job.

John doesn't sleep because he's worried about me and the wedding and everything else that goes on in his brain. I don't sleep because theres so much to do, not only with the wedding, but have you been on youtube lately? They have millions of funny videos to watch! WHO KNEW?! I thought it was just the place to see music videos, like the old MTV. Boy howdy, I was wrong.

So whats up for tomorrow? Lets see, wake up and clean my room incase I have company tomorrow night. Then I have to go to my moms and head to Holiday Inn to sign the contract and give my deposit. Then Off to meet the photographer for coffee @ Starbucks. After that I need to call around and find an officiant. After thats done, Get Laeci, Becky maybe Steve and head to Applebees for dinner. Then back to mine for hilarity then...OFF TO THE FAIR!

God I miss having a social life. Lets hope I can behave like a normal person, and not the Boyd we know I am.
Speaking of Boyd's my brother is trying to find a job, kudos to him. And my father? well he hates his job.
He has so many kind things to say about his granddaughter, but her mother he couldn't care less about. It amazes me. I told him, "She doesn't want us in her life, so be it. She can be selfish and ungrateful and a cunt. We don't need to bother ourselves with it, she made her choice she can explain it to the kid in 17 years. Not us, her."
He agreed. Said it was probably for the best, since Pat's done with her dumb ass, we should be as well. Just a shame the child is missing out on a lot of love due to her mother's own ignorance.

Anywho, I'm going to go for that walk, because it's only 4am and everyone knows all the rapists and murders go to bed at 3am!

Parents who shop at Walmart

2009-08-05T23:14:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was "Unwed mothers of several" day and today is "Child abuse" day. Seriously, day in and day out I watch parents scream at their kids, ignore their kids of say shit to their kids that makes me want to punch them. Today some lady told her kid to shut up and then when he was still talking she looked at him "Why are you still talking, I said shut your damn mouth!" Honestly, the kid is five, what the hell is wrong with you?

The worst thing I have ever seen in regards to this was from today, it made me want to cry and then throw down my badge, call the cops and walk outside to beat the shit out of this father. His daughter had walked to the jewelry display, she's about 6 or so, and he goes to grab the back of her dress, not her hand, her dress. And she starts screaming. She's crying and screaming as I check them out, and as she turns to walk out the door I see the nail scratches down her back, some red from blood.

Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with you. Why couldn't you reach for her arm? Her hand? Hell, apologize for that shit. Accidents happen, but the force that he grabbed her with? There was proof. Horrifying, and I swear to god if I ever see him out side of work, he better hope I'm not lugging around my 20lb purse because I'll make him scream and cry just like he did to his daughter.

And I hate that I have to stand there, smile at them and thank them for coming in. Instead of saying whats really on my mind, these people get away with it, because I have to do my fucking job. It's fucking bullshit. Absolute bullshit. People fucking disgust me. Just when I thought I couldn't be more irritated with the general population, someone has to go and prove me fucking wrong. Thanks.

Serious blog time

2009-08-04T12:07:00.003-05:00

One thing I never really noticed until I got this job at Walmart is how many single mothers there are. And not even like "Divorced" women, more like girls younger than me with 2-3 kids already. Seriously, when did the Crystal Lake area turn into the ghetto of Chicago?

I had a girl the other day who was my age, with four children. Of course she was on food stamps. Everyone is on food stamps. But even after the food stamps she had to put things back, because she bought way too much makeup for her to afford. Not even things for the kids. No, makeup.

I've made it a habit now, and only realized yesterday that I do this, to check the hands of young women with children. Most of them don't have rings. It irritates me to no end that instead of kids having kids being a bad thing, kids having kids is becoming almost like the norm.

And don't think I am not happy that our state has programs to help the women, but it seems like because of these programs more and more girls are being less careful because they can get on food stamps, or have wic. (Coupons for food, baby forumla etc.) Besides, Link pays for my food as well, since Jes is on it.

But it just irritates me. Seriously. And the people who buy nothing but crap food anyway, that irritates me as well. The thing that gets me the most are the women who come through the line with their nails all nice, good clothes, designer bags and they're on food stamps. Seriously?

I don't know their lives, I only get what they present at the walmart check out, but still...
Really? you're 20, have two kids and instead of having money to pay for your things, your mom has to pay for you and you're going on a trip tomorrow? wtf.

Seriously, either get on some birth control women, or close your fucking legs. Accidents only happen once. after the second it's clearly your own damn fault.
Nifty fact: I sell more Pregnancy tests than I do boxes of condoms.

I've got a feeling

2009-08-03T05:54:00.003-05:00

There is something about weddings that makes me crave romance. So the last two nights I have stayed up way past my bedtime to read. A whole book. Each night. About 400 pages long each. I crave more. I don't want to sleep because I have a stack of books that need to be re-read. Not even "read" re-read. Because I just crave reading right now. I don't know if it's because after the stress, worry and everything else I want a break but whatever. At least I'm not drinking, right?

Today was fucking AWESOME. Seriously. Woke up at noon and showered. Picked up the Emily and we headed to Starbucks to start our day off right, with some over priced froo froo coffee that I have grown to love. With patrons staring at us for being odd and having strange accents, we giggled as we pulled away.
We started to David's Bridal in Rockford, about an hour and a half away, and my sister calls. Apparently she assumed I'd go to Shaumburg. Silly woman. So we had a good 30 minutes, Emily and I, to browse the dresses and what not.

My mom, Big Jenny, Hope and Little Emily finally arrived. I was whisked away to try on my dress again for alterations. I recall at some point I asked my sister if it made my butt look big. Apparently it does. :p
I've opted to wear my black Aldo shoes, because I like being tall, and it saved me nearly 200 bucks on hemming. Rock on me!

After I managed to get out of my massive dress, we had Little Emily try on hers. She just ran around, twirled and smiled like a silly kid who hit jackpot. Rather adorable. She has no idea I got her that tiara, but I feel sorry for my sister who will have to explain to the girl that she can't sleep in the dress.

The ladies tried on several dresses, each one looked better on one person and terrible on another. I had given up hope, slightly, when Hope picked out a dress and I agreed, figuring it'd be better than just blindly guessing at this point.
Well boy howdy. Who would have thunk that my tomboy of a sister could pick out a dress that would look fantastic on all three ladies? Kudos Hope, I owe you a cookie.

Dramatics ensued when Emily learned she had to take the dress off. The little one of course, although at one point during my alteration Big Emily had to leave because she was tearing up. Rather cute, I think. But you know how I feel about emotions.

Anyhow, We purchased everything and headed home. Big Emily and I headed to lunch at the Parrot place, where we enjoyed rice, Crab Rangoon and Mai tais. Mmm delicious.
I dropped her off and headed on home where I was ready to take a nap (Odd since it's now 6am. Silly body, get tired plz.)

I started registering for things, and after a few hours had passed I realized I had amassed a large amount of objects. Granted, the things I want from America don't appear to be on Amazon.uk.co but whatever. Target had them, and worse comes to worse I will ship.
I then spent an hour coordinating colors and making things match on another site, but apparently I don't exist on there which pissed me off.

So I escaped from the Internet with Emily to relax at the Denny's and rock out to music.
then I returned home to click on the Internet some more but after so much clicking realized I wanted to read. So read I Did, and a few hours later I have finished yet another book and am very tempted to pick another one up and start reading that.

John is not going to be pleased when he reads this :p

Hold the wheel, I have to jack this fucker in the face

2009-08-02T03:10:00.002-05:00

Today was a shit-tacular day. Seriously. I woke up, I was happy and ready to go to work. I was determined to have a good day.
And then some dumb bitch ruined it all.

Paula, this moron who I hate, called to get a price check. After about 10 minutes of no help/response/whatever she gave up and the customer left. The phone started ringing. Non-stop for 10 minutes. I finally answered it and the lady on the other end was like "Hey, just let her know next time to call us back, or pick up the phone and inform us the customer left." And I was all "Sure thang, no problem." And then told Paula this.

Paula's new customer (Not the one with the price check) stomps over to me and goes, "I WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD HER NOT TO ANSWER THAT PHONE. I'VE BEEN WAITING IN LINE FOR TEN MINUTES." And I nodded, apologized and resumed working. Then her daughter started walking to customer service, to tattle on my "rudeness" and at that moment Crystal, who is behind me, goes "Hey Jen! Do you know who's cart that is?" And the lady LOOKS at me, goes "Oh your name's Jen is it?" (No shit Lady, I'm WEARING A NAMETAG.) And then grins and claps her hands like she's won a fucking prize.

The customer I was helping and the one after offered to stay and let my managers know I did nothing wrong. But I told them not to worry about it, all I'd be losing is a job I hated.

Dani turns my light off and I get pulled into the cash office with Manager Mike and her. I ignore Mike, because either way he's a grade A douche bag. I explain to Dani what happened and really just wanted to add, "Look, if I was going to be rude to her knowing I'd lose my job, don't you think I'd have really thrown a fit? Punched her in the face? Screamed at her for being a miserable human being?" But no. Instead I was nice, polite and got in trouble for nothing.

And the best part of the whole thing is the fact that I was upset that they DIDN'T fire me. Damn.

Then Kay yelled at me, but I got to go home eventually where I read a book and my day has gotten a lot better. Yes.

So yay for Walmart, I guess?

And theres that silver lining...

2009-08-01T09:39:00.005-05:00

Yesterday sucked. Seriously. I asked for break at 4:50 when I was supposed to get it, but Linda was stressed and freaked out a bit at me, so I backed off and went to my register. There were two other CSMs there who are completely useless. So I waited. I wanted to see how long it would take to get my break.
Watched Beth go to the clipboard and study it for 5 minutes on numerous occasions and then walk away. Sarah and I both needed our breaks, we were laughing at her by the end of it. So in the end it took another hour to get a break. I told Linda who finally walked over going "Did you go on break?" "Nope.""Shit girl, go!" "Nah, waiting til 45 after, then at 6 I'll go to the meeting and then lunch." She nodded, "Ok."

So I went on break at 5:45 and as I'm outside telling John the joys of walmart a car pulls in that looks a LOT like my car. "Is...Is that my car? With my Daddy inside it?" And I ask this about 50 times, but the car looks far to clean to be mine. But I run over there and go, "It is! It is my daddy inside my car!"

And then my dad tells me how the story of his daughter being stranded in Woodstock, and how he and mom are driving back and forth to take me to work and how I'm trying to plan a wedding and such, had passed through the garage and the mechanics decided to stay late Thursday night, and then Friday morning when the owner got there two of his men were waiting for him so they could finish working on it.
I owe them a HUGE thank you card. Because that is hands down the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

So I have a car! I do! I do! I do! I do!

The meeting was a joke, which was expected. I didn't clock out for lunch until 6:57 and managed to come back at 7:51 and as I'm walking to my register Beth, the idiot she is, goes "You're late from lunch Jennifer" in that condescending tone she has that makes me want to punch her.
Uhm, no, I'm not late. But good try peeps. Really good try.
And then I had an issue with someones credit card and she came over acting like it was a huge inconvenience to her, causing the customers to go "Wow, isn't she just happy. So sorry to bother her." And I told them about what happened earlier. I hope they call in.
And later my pin pad broke so the touch screen wouldn't work, and Beth acted as if I had done something wrong. "Oh, well you go to fast and these things happen." No Beth, I'm not swiping the card wrong you idiot, its BROKEN. Jesus. What a fucking moron.

Then I went on break and after break stood around for 20 minutes waiting for an unbroken register. While instead of doing her job Beth was standing in customer service babbling away to someone about something no one gives a shit about.

Long story short, I fucking hate Beth. She can't do her job, and she's rude about it.
Short story of happiness, YAY I HAVE MY CAR BACK!

Lack of car, bullshit rules and tornados

2009-07-31T10:24:00.003-05:00

Trust me, the tornado is not a metaphor. I mean a real, rip the fuck out of your town, tornado. Apparently one touched down in Harvard, about 30 minutes from my apartment. FUCK DUDE. And there were funnel cloud sightings all over the place. HOLY SHIT.
But I was tucked away safely in Walmart. And by tucked away I mean standing at my register going "Did you hear we're getting tornados?!" And they'd grab their shit and go, "holy fuck! I need to go home now! Save the Hoho's kids! Grab the link card! Back to the ghetto we go!" or something like that.
No one I know was hurt. Or died. Or was effected, minus a few mini heart attacks I'm sure. But we're cool. Apartment still standing. It's sunny like God is all "Sorry Ya'll, but We know how much you hate that redneck town, harvard. After two tornados bitches STILL standing." It's ok God, we forgive you.

Speaking of walmart, I hate my job. Like before I hated it, but whatever it was a job. Now Its like "WHY MUST I WORK!?!" I got yelled at for doing my job yesterday, and emptying my hanger bin. Note to self: Don't do that shit again. NO CLEANING APPARENTLY.
So whatever. I'm down with that.
I get yelled at a lot. But whatever, it's walmart. And only like 120 something days til I can quit that shit and say "LATER SUKKA!" which would rock.

And for the lack of car- My mom is driving me to and from work now. Which is dandy, quality time she's a saint for doing it etc etc.
BUT FUCK I MISS MY CAR. I miss blasting my music, singing at the top of my lungs, chain smoking and flipping off old people. But no, Until Monday I have no car, which means until Monday I'm really sad.
My car is my freeeeeeeeeedom. My car is my transportation. My car is my baby :( And my baby is sick. And missing an engine. And sick. And going to cost a few grand to fix. MY BABY IS BROKED.

Fuck. It's like 10:30 Am. This is what I'm like when I get sleep. Sorry guys. I'm a bit...er..Awake for once. :/

So let's recap. My car is broken,but not because of the tornado that hit Harvard. We're all hating walmart and secretly wish the tornado or broken car, had hit that instead.

Did I cover it all? I believe so.

I get by with a little help from my friends...

2009-07-29T20:14:00.003-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows how stubborn I am when it comes to asking for help. I will willingly offer it and bend over backwards for you, but when it comes to myself- no thank you.
This wedding is going to be the perfect example. It's going to kill me, I believe.
I want it to be perfect, like most girls want, but know I'm going to have to sacrifice a few things which I can live with. But when someone offers me help I'm backing away, "no, no I have this. It's cool. Don't worry!" And yet on the inside I'm going "HOLY FUCK."

Invitations, Save the dates and response cards have been approved and paid for. Will be here in a week. Then to ship them to John. Then to pack some boxes and ship those to John. Not to mention hiring a florist, DJ and getting a welcome package done for out of town guests. Coordinating flight arrivals for the Holiday Inn bus to pick up the guests, and making sure they can have the bus for sight seeing in the city or what not.
I need to look into a discount for car rentals for the party, and get a limo for the trip from my mom's house to the hotel. I need go through everything I own and decide what is worth keeping, what is worth shipping and what I honestly don't need anymore.

During all of this, I have to get digital pictures printed on photo paper, get a wedding cake, organize my life in a way that when it comes to move I can say "See ya later, suckers!" And be gone. I need to sell my car, but can't focus on that until I know it's fixed and working. Need to meet with lawyers, find an officiant and ship Sarah's dress to the UK. Have to get tux sizes, taste food, taste cake and figure out my favors.

Not to mention they emailed over the contract papers and my computer lacks Microsoft word, which means it wont open the contract. So I have to go to my mom's when I have a car, and print it out, read it, write a 500 dollar check and drop it off. But for now, it's there but I can't read it. Or agree to it. Or make changes. Or anything. Fuck.

And I assure you that I will try to do this all myself. And I will probably succeed. But right now, when it's all looming over my head, because I'm insane, I'm stressed. Add PSM to the mix and the fact that there is a child screaming in this apartment 20 hours out of the day and Vegas to elope is looking like a great idea.

So long story short, I need to get my shit together or this wedding is going to kill me. It'll be kick ass, but I'll be dead the day after.

Few things to mention

2009-07-29T04:45:00.002-05:00

We've finally set a date, November 28th of this year. 131 days away I believe, which is just around the corner when you look at it like that.

My mind wont shut up. And regardless of what I do, it continues. Movies aren't helping, doodling isn't helping, writing is a joke and even throwing myself into music and books isn't helping. It's nearly 5am and I can't sleep because my damn brain wont switch off for the night.

Something has triggered this beast inside me, and I can't tell if it's good or bad. Bad obviously, since I'm still awake- but I have no idea if this is going to be a bad drop, or maybe no drop and just productivity?
Only time will tell, and until then I should do whatever it is my brain thinks is best, minus the not sleeping business. Even though doodling at 5am is exciting and all, I can only write "Fuck. Buck. Duck. Luck. Fuck. Luck. Duck. Buck" in cursive so many times before I start onto stars, hearts and various hair styles.

I wish writing would take my brain to a different place, but it doesn't. Doodling doesn't either but at least I can keep constantly busy with my hands instead of pausing every few seconds to try to think of phrasing, spelling or grammar.

So yeah. This blog is not what I wanted it to be about. But hey, at least the wedding got a shout out, right?

Cleaning House

2009-07-28T14:22:00.003-05:00

Today I'm cleaning. But because I am so awesome at it, I'm wasting time avoiding cleaning by clicking around on the internet.

Rage

2009-07-27T09:19:00.003-05:00

I know I haven't heard both sides of the story, I know this. I'm fully aware. But I know my brother, or at least I think I do and the shit she's saying about him only half of it's true.

They're both crap parents. I'm sorry, but they are. They get high, take care of their kid. She strips and takes care of the kid, they let others smoke a bowl infront of their child. Seriously, why are idiots having kids? Shouldn't there be a rule somewhere about idiots not being allowed to fill their uterus'?

It pisses me off that the only solution to any of this is calling DCFS and even then, the chances of that child being placed soon, are slim to none and as my niece who I never see and have no real attachment too (Not like the Niece and Nephew who I adore) other than blood, and concern, I don't want that happening to her.

I'm in a sticky situation and I don't know what to do.

Edit: Figured out what to do. I"m going to stay the fuck out of it. Idiots have and destroy children's lives all the time. Why should this be any different? Selfish children having kids, it's brilliant isn't it? Ah, oh well. Soon enough I'll be gone and none of it will matter to me.

Memories

2009-07-27T04:54:00.004-05:00

First time I heard my brother "Rap" it was to this song. Sometimes, I miss him. Most the time I miss my childhood. Various reasons of course, but this song always takes me back. Not to mention makes me cry each time I hear it. Which is why I don't listen often.
It fits.

"I shead tears with my baby sister
Over the years we was poorer than the other little kids
And even though we had different daddy's, the same drama
When things went wrong we'd blame mama"

"A poor single mother on welfare, tell me how ya did it
There's no way I can pay you back
But the plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated"

"But now the road got rough, you're alone
You're tryin to raise two bad kids on your own
And there's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated"

"I wish I could take the pain away
If you can make it through the night there's a brighter day
Everything will be alright if ya hold on
It's a struggle everyday, gotta roll on"

God, what a brilliant song.

"Pour out some liquor and I reminisce, cause through the drama
I can always depend on my mama"

My day in bullet points

2009-07-26T21:30:00.001-05:00

Woke up and went to work
Worked for a long 7.5 hours non-stop.
headed home, excited
Car breaks down on route 47 at a stop light.
get it to the side of the road, freaking out.
call my dad, who comes to my rescue
During all this I have to pee
Hold bladder
Go get Oil for my car
Oil does not fix car
Dad goes to pee
Sneak handle of captain into laundry basket for the three days off
Smoke a lot
Climb out of my window starsky and Hutch style
Hear my car alarm for the first time in 4-5 years
Say goodbye to car
Get home
eat bad apple
Get cramps

Yeah, this just isn't my day. Thank god I have three days off.

Trying to find the words

2009-07-25T23:15:00.001-05:00

I’m not ignoring you, blog, I promise. It’s just I either haven’t had time or when I sit down nothing ever feels good enough. I know it’s all in my head, but even then there is a part of me who can’t let the words be written.

I’m in a funk, it’s a classic sign for me. The desire to write is there, but the ability? Not so much. I’ve been filling my time with movies, and TV and things that let my mind wander in a way so I’m not so immersed in my own thoughts.

Because that is the problem, I think to much. I worry, stress, think and over analyze what happens to be going on around me and then I let my life shut down in favor of seeing everything else.

And I forget to do the simplest things. Eat, sleep, write, sometimes I forget to blink. I’m a bit nuts.

I want to finish my blog about England, but I want it to be witty, intelligent and memorable. So I can look back on it years to come and go, “Yeah, I had a kick ass time.” instead of going, “Jesus, I am dull as hell.”

I want to tell you about the week John was here, and how amazing my friends and family can be. How my brother wore a blue hobo coat and the “Todds” (Really nice people, by the way.)

I have so much to say, and infinite space to do it in, and yet when I go to write about it, I just can’t. I will find something else to do. I will distract myself. Why?

Hell if I know.

I do know this. In my six months of unemployment of England, I’m going to write. Eat, sleep, breathe and live writing. I’m going to read about writing, write about writing and actually write.

Not to brag or anything, but about four (Yup, four.) people have told me to write a book. And that is fine and dandy, but I can’t pick a topic. I’m not an expert at anything and more importantly, I hate re-reading my stuff.

It makes me pick it apart more, love it less and doubt myself in a way that frightens even me.
But I’m going to do it. I’m moving to England, which is the biggest adventure I could embark on short of a sex change operation, and perhaps with the fear of leaving the safe and known behind, I should leave my fear of failure, rejection and not being good enough as well.

Apparently I did have things to say, but it’s nothing I wanted to talk about. Shame.

Technorati Tags: Writing about writing,writing,fear,England,Family,Friends,laughter,living

Home sweet home

2009-07-25T08:43:00.003-05:00

Back in my apartment now, which is all fine and dandy I suppose. Over the next coming months I have a lot on my plate it would seem. Planning a wedding in a few short months, packing to move, getting rid of my shit that I'm not taking, and not to mention not killing people who irritate the crap out of me.

The last few nights I haven't been sleeping/very well. As soon as I managed to get to sleep last night, or this morning even, the alarm was going off telling me it was time to get up. And even now, I haven't moved from this chair to shower or feed myself because I'm just to damn tired.
And yet, it's 8:45 and I have to be dressed and on my way in 5 minutes.

My shirt is wrinkled, my pants are wet-but quick, as me if I care? Because I don't. I hate my job, and I put just enough effort forward to not get fired. The day I quit will be the happiest day of my life.

I assure you, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth

2009-07-20T12:43:00.003-05:00

Although it sure does seem like it doesn't it?

I haven't had a mental breakdown, or even gone into hiding with my emotions. I've just been busy. And when I'm not busy, I'm forgetting I have a blog. See, I am House sitting @ my mom's and thus using her laptop. Which doesn't have any of my bookmarks so I have to remember off the top of my head the millions of things I do online, and google the URLS.
Turns out the main one I remembered was facebook. (Sorry, Status updates became my blog.)

I am also fully aware I have yet to finish my post about England, and may or may not ever get around to it. It's difficult being me with so many things to write about.
In fact, I had planned to write a lot today, but it turns out my cat has a face tumor, which is all well and good, but now he's gone suicidal eating plastic. I should take that as a cue to feed the bastards.

So until I'm back in my apartment, Wednesday, or have a day off... Which I don't know what that is.
You'll have to accept these few things.

1.) We put the fun into funeral
2.) David is the next american Idol
3.) The stew I make is 100 times better than my moms
4.) John is really good at cleaning
5.) I sucessfully stole the TV out of my apartment, only to return to see she who can't pay me back has purchased a new one.
6.) I need to go to the laundry mat.
7.) Cats are warm when they sleep on you
8.) Little brothers are irritating
9.) I miss MY bed.
10.) And I miss the Sims 3.

John

2009-07-09T16:28:00.002-05:00

This is how wonderful he is, he's going to fly across the world so he can be here for me on Saturday. Doesn't he just reek of awesome? I think so.
I'm dreading Saturday. I'm also dreading going back to work- which I have to call and request extra time off still.
Feck. I have so much to do, and I dont want to do any of it.

Death and lack of Emotion

2009-07-08T03:23:00.003-05:00

The problem I find in the last two days is my lack of emotion. At times I forget that my grandma has died. My sister's husband, Brad, asked me how I was and I responded with an over enthusiastic "Dandy!" and he looked and me strange. My inner monologue went something like this, "Oh right, you're grieving. Stupid Jen."

I don't feel upset. I'm not happy. Well I am, just not in regards to her death. I'm just.. I'm so Jaded.

At my Mom's funeral I cried. At my grandpa's funeral I cried and then played pokemon. This time around, the last of that side of my family being gone, I can't imagine I'll feel anything. And it's worrysome.
I bottle my emotions, I've gotten really good at it. And I'm scared that maybe, just maybe, when the bottle is full I'll lose my mind and everyone around me will suffer.

Maybe the biggest difference this time around is I have an amazing support group. Emily, John, My sister, my parents... people who I took for granted/didn't know then and now..

Or maybe I really am just numb to death. But no one else die so we can test it out, ok? That'd be awesome. Everyone keep living.

Ps. Micheal Jacksons death didn't even make me sad.

March 31st 1926- July 6th 2009

2009-07-06T22:21:00.001-05:00

Today around 3:30Pm my grandma died. We knew it was coming, since they told us they didn’t expect her to live much longer yesterday night. I left work early, and then instead of going to the nursing home to be with her, I stayed home and pretended everything was ok. I am ok, but mostly I think it’s due to shock and my inability to feel real emotions.

So out of the lack of anything better to do, and feeling sentimental I bring you: Pictures of my ~~superdisfunctionalandveryinsane~~ family.

My grandparents were married 42 years. I know it seems hard to imagine, being related to me and all, these two were the nicest people I had ever met. Granted she was a bit crazy…

This is my Mom’s friend from AA, My mom and my grandma.

My grandma in either the 70’s or the 80’s. She didn’t date or write on any of the millions of pictures, shame.

Grandma’s Birth Certificate. I need to get it laminated or something, it’s in near tatters since it’s 83 years old..

My mom and Me. Do you see the insanity that was my wardrobe? I thought I was the coolest kid in the world with my elastic sleeves with ruffles…

Check out those ears! My lovely brother Pat, at 6 yrs old.

Me and my little sister Hope. God we’re so young…

I’m loving the magenta, aren’t you? Stylish old man. bwahaha.

Some dinner some where. God shoulder pads were hot.

My mom in the olden days. It makes me happy to know that I’m not the only Boyd who was forced to wear ruffles and sport a mullet.

Baby Jen and then Pat and Jenny @ 12 &11 I believe?

I love that they’re holding hands.

High waisted pants? Check. Matching shoes? Check. Ridiculous Hat? Checkity Check check.

My mom and Fritz the hot dog dog. Do you see now why I want one?

Me and Pat. God 4&3 maybe? I don’t know anymore.

Halloween when I was 6 maybe? I had no teeth! Or pants.. Hmm.

Moment of seriousness: I want to inherit this outfit. (Told ya she was crazy…)

Pat, Hope and myself. I think it was my birthday.

SHOULDER PADS!

I was so cool it hurts me to look at this picture. Seriously, I’m in pain.

Me and My dad in Chicago. Look at how cool he is. LOLOL.

I don’t know who this is, but I love how they’re in a cage.

The caption on the back reads: “The Day you were locked in the bathroom March 16th 2000” I’m scared to think who exactly was locked in the bathroom…

Both of my grandmas chilling at the Maxted’s house.

Theres more, but Emily’s here and theres rum to be had!

Sorry

2009-07-06T05:38:00.001-05:00

I feel like all I'm doing lately is apologizing for not writing here. But work got in the way and on my two days off I was off having a blast with Emily.
I meant to write here last night and later today, finish my epic England post, but yesterday my mom called saying they don't think my grandma's going to make it through the night.

I'm not holding my breath this time around, but it doesn't make it any easier. So I'm not really in the mood to share my thoughts and feelings when I have so many (thoughts) but so few, (feelings) and thus, I will be putting off and update until further notice. So probably this afternoon when I'm going stir crazy and want something to distract myself.

Help me

2009-07-02T16:24:00.002-05:00

I want to move out. Of this apartment. I want to get the hell out of dodge and either get my own place or move in with Jo-Anne. I need to.
I went to go to the bathroom and in the toilet is the remains of Joey's joint. I figured it was just a cigarette except tobacco isn't green. Not even the menthol kind.
Awesome.

So now my bathroom smells like pot. I don't know how "Please don't bring drugs into the apartment" translated into "Hey, Get high in my bathroom" but it did.

And now I want out. I do, I need to get out of here seeing as neither of them have any respect for me at all. I need to get out of here for my sanity. I Just need to. But I don't know how. Do I continue paying rent? Do I buy out of my lease and say "Sorry fucker." I don't know what to do.
I'm so confused, and as much as I love being on my own, I hate who I moved out with even more.

Horoscope

2009-07-01T02:33:00.002-05:00

Shift that high-speed brain of yours down a few gears. It's time to plod and ponder.

Sounds about right, if you ask me. I know I owe another update and I will get to it tomorrow. But first I need to read a bit and then pass out for the night. I have major laundry to do tomorrow or at least some general room cleaning. But tomorrow night I plan on making Emily and her Mom (Not you Big J, sorry.) Eggplant Parmesan because thats just how we roll around here.

I've had a great couple of days. And I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Epic England: Post 2

2009-06-29T11:30:00.001-05:00

As promised I am posting yet again. But before I get to my England adventures, I’m going to go ahead and tell you about the last few days in America. Yes, I’m that cool.

Work was pleasant, I suppose. I actually really missed some of the people I worked with. And it always amazes me how much they care. I was greeted by hugs, running leaping hugs if you count Laeci, and “how was it? did you have a great time?” in a chorus. A few people were privileged to the whole story of greatness, most just got “I had an amazing time, but it was exhausting.” Which it was.

It’s hard to believe that at a job I hate, I could have made so many great friends.

Serious note now: Remember how I told you all about Penny? Well I came back asking about her, she’s doing just fine. In a few more weeks she’ll be back at work and hopefully come with a fruit salad.

Apparently Walmart breeds sadness since a few weeks ago, I was hung-over on a Sunday and had to go to work. I spent the day talking and laughing with Melanie, who trained me and we’ve been friends ever since, but Melanie was suffering from horrible migraines. Right before I left Beth told me she had been admitted to the hospital, and upon closer inspection she had a brain tumor.

That was the last I heard before fleeing the country.

I came back and wasn’t sure how to touch the subject, “Hey Beth, did your cousin die yet?” or “Hey Beth, how is Melanie?” Only to open a wound that may have just healed if she had died. Fuck, I was screwed. So I went to Pat, “Pat.. Did Melanie die?” turns out she didn’t, and she came in later that day.

Her surgery went well, but it’s terminal. As most cancers to the brain are. I saw her and just walked over and hugged her. How unfair is life, hmm? This woman raised three boys on her own because her ex husband was a wife beater. All three of them are either out of college, in College or in the case of her youngest, heading off to an out of state college on a full scholarship.

I know “God works in mysterious ways” but sometimes, his ways fucking suck ass.

OK. Seriousness aside, although that was a rather somber post- wasn’t it? Hmm. I guess I should lighten things up a bit around here.

So on to England! I’m warning you now though, it’s written strangely and I’m still sick so I’m copying straight out of my notebook as is. Maybe a few edits, but not many

----

Right now I’m sitting on a massive train- we’re headed to Paris. Four hours of sleep and one really full day ahead of us. John is attempting to sleep, but I figure I’ll just muddle through. So while I finally have a moment of peace, I shall catch you up on the going ons of my life.

As you know, Thursday was drinking at the Greystoke with Geoff. Well Friday was much the same except no Greystoke, or Geoff.
Friday during the day John and I just wandered around town popping in and out of stores while I spent all my money. Overall loot? Two purses, a shiny silver belt a set of earrings, necklace and bracelet, plus a watch (Edit: Which has now gone missing. Believe to have left it in Paris.)

After an exhausting day shopping and picking up not only above loot but headphones for my IPod, a memory card for my Camera and a USB Stick to store my pictures on we treated ourselves to ice-cream and started the long walk home. And by long, I mean like 20 minutes. On the way home I saw a bag in a window, lilac leather with two black outlined flowers on it. I walked in and asked how much it was, and after hearing the price told them I would take it. Apparently, I have a thing for handbags, who knew?

After getting home we showered and got ready for a night of laughter at the Comedy club in Fuck if I know. Some town some where, in England. Picking up Joey on the way; Paul, Joey, John and myself squeezed into the taxi. Overall the night was fun, although it took two hours for our food even if we did order first. The comedy was alright, some were funnier than others, and the accents…very hard to understand sometimes.

Saturday John and I took a wander to Little Venice, after wandering around a bit we settled on having lunch upon a boat. before getting in line for another boat that would take us down the Canal and to Camden market.

Dear Americans: When you are in another country stop being so damn American.

When we were in line, a father and son had been in front of us. They left to go to the bathroom, and we didn’t move up in the line because they had left their things there so we assumed they’d be back. This group of Americans comes up, and starts saying they don’t like the hole in the line, and that it’s bad etc etc. Then they cut in front of us and even I was tempted to push them and their designer clothes into the dirty canal.

We got to Camden market where we did what else, but more shopping. Few trinkets bought here and there but the ultimate prize was the beautiful hair thing I got, silver with a light purple butterfly and some sparkly stones. As soon as I figure out how to use it, I will. But I’m thinking I’ll wear it to the wedding, since it’s you know, a butterfly. Yes.

When we got back we were supposed to meet up with Geoff and Kira for a night of fun at the spinning wheel maybe? But since my ear had been hurting something awful John and his mom got me an appointment at the hospital to be looked at. She drove us there, Ealing hospital, to the ER. Or whatever they call it. There was a little clinic at the side and we only waited a few minutes before we went in. Not too shabby.

We had infections. Both ears. One was old, the other not so old. Got some drugs and pain pills and the best part? Cost me nothing. Fuck you, America. Fuck you.

His mom then drove around with us trying to find the 24 hour pharmacy- Bliss. Turns out, it’s not 24 hours. Bliss was closed. We get back to the house and his parents take off to the one 24 hour pharmacy he knew off. While they were gone John poured me a very strong and yet, very delicious captain and diet.

I couldn’t thank them enough when they got home and handed me my pills. Turns out the two prescriptions cost about 10 bucks. I was floored. I felt like hell, but I couldn’t help but smile.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling much better, although there was a bit of pain here and there it was nothing to be overly worried about. John made breakfast for us both and then we embarked, his parents and us, on a journey to some very tiny and old villages. I believe Bribury and Helford, but I could be horribly wrong but either way it is not that important.

I loved every minute of it. The dead duck was brilliant as was the massive hill we had to trek up, so difficult. You have no idea. Lovely lunch with John and his parents, quite possibly one of the greatest burgers I have ever eaten.

Spent the next hour wandering around the town, buying things for other people and myself. We stopped inside their ~~Museum~~ room full of old stuff, that was interesting. We headed back to the car after buying some cake and chocolate. John ate his cake, and rather enjoyed it I think..

We got back and prepared ourselves to meet up with everyone at the plough, which is a pub in…somewhere. By the curry place! And that train station…And it apparently has a potted plant that will not hold me up when drunk, but that’s another story.

Joey, Paul, John, Jon Kenny, Belinda, Geoff, Kira and myself were present. We had alcohol a plenty, John and I did a shot of tequila and the night nearly ended with a ~~Kebab~~ Gross meat thing in a Styrofoam container that you used a small two pronged wooden fork to eat. But then Jon Kenny and Belinda invited us back to theirs where more beer was to be had. John and I finally got a cab at 2 am and found our way to bed around three.

We wake up early the next morning to go meet John’s Aunt Shirley and his grandma. After roughly two hours in the car we arrived and I was greeted with open arms. Conversation flowed but John and I kept giggling at each other, “I have no idea who Allison is..” and his mom left to go get his grandma and his dad who had taken the train down. His grandma was, quite frankly, very old. 90 something if I remember correctly.

Lunch was very good, a spread of cold meats and veggies. Mmm Veggies. Dessert was apple cobbler, but I had to pass on it seeing as I was full. After four more hours of talking we finally headed out- in a storm that reminded me of home. After a quick stop at McDonalds we finally got home.

We were exhausted and yet we had to pack because the following morning we were off to Paris- although John failed to mention the euro star would go under the sea. (Which is where I was when I wrote this.)

We woke up at 4AM. Do you have any idea how cold a tent in London is at 4Am? I’ll give you a hint, ever been in a lake at 6am in upper Wisconsin? Its a bit like that, just less roaring.

So here we are, blindly groping around since neither of us can keep our eyes open. We get to the train station and I’m outside having my morning smoke while John got some Euros. All I wanted was a coffee and 2 more hours of sleep. We did stop at a store in the station and picked up sandwiches, diet coke, coke and some Kleenex. Oddly enough the coke lasted until the train ride home. Diet coke? Never stood a chance.

On the train we were tired, but excited. We ate and then both managed to fall asleep for the entire journey to Paris- (Edit: Can you tell that at some point I stopped writing and continued? This is what I meant where I said It’d be confusing.)

We woke up, in France. It was wonderful. “Wonder how much longer we have?” And BAM we’re in the station. We got off and quickly looked for a bathroom for me, since I had to pee like a racehorse. We step outside and I laugh, first thing I am greeted with in France is a McDonalds. The brilliance of it all made me giggle like a girl. We stood around waiting for a taxi before realizing there was a line of people waiting for taxis. It wasn’t until about forty minutes later we were blessed with a taxi.

John had purchased a map and a book of Paris where as I had gotten a book of French Phrases. I learned quickly that I am much better at German and French is nothing like German. We got to the Hotel far to early to check in so we left our suitcase there. Teddy came with us as we walked towards the Eiffel tower.

We stopped in a bakery and picked up a few goodies. In the park next to the tower we sat down on a bench to eat before getting in the longest line in the history of the world. After an hour even two, we bought or tickets. I was freaking out, worried about being so high up, seeing as I am terrified of heights.

(Note: 2058 words so far. Goodness me!)

I’m going to end this one with a video and pick up either later today or tomorrow.

Swine Flu

2009-06-28T01:47:00.002-05:00

Sorry I haven't updated more about my trip. I managed to contract something my last day in England, and have been coughing and sniffling. Not to mention the sneezing and headaches, so I've been a bit unwell. I finally gave in tonight and got some more drugs and hopefully those will either help or kill me. I promise that Monday I will do a Mass update since it's my day off, and finish my blogs about England. Until then a picture will have to do.

The Amazing English Adventure

2009-06-26T06:11:00.001-05:00

I’ve been sitting here for hours trying to find the words to use to write this blastedly long thing, and I feel the best way to do it is in chunks instead of one long post. So you’re going to have to deal with the break up of days, and the overload of pictures. Thankfully I wrote it all down already, but the copying it over while I strain to read the notebook at my side is going to be a pain.

June 9th 2009

David, Emily and I had dinner at the Chop Suey hut before loading ourselves into the car to head to the airport. Songs were sung and laughter was had, while I irritatingly took pictures of every moment that I could.

They dropped me off at 7pm and I used the self check in to get through in no time at all. I rushed to my gate, wanting to be done with the whole flying experience only to realize I now had nearly three hours to wait before boarding. So I sat, and I read. I talked on the phone a bit, but I mostly read. Finished a book, started another.

We finally boarded, and I was ready to sleep. Wearing a hoody, Sunglasses and earphones. I had taken two sleeping pills prior to getting on the plane because I had every intention of sleeping through the entire journey.

Apparently I was wrong.

I managed a little under two hours of sleep. So I read some more. Watched a movie or two, and resumed reading. By the time the plane landed I wanted a cigarette so badly I’d have smoked right there if I didn’t think it would get me arrested.

The plane landed at 11:45. We ended up sitting on the runway for an extra hour due to our gate being used. When I got through to customs the lady told me to wait at the side and then took my passport. I knew the drill, so I sat, fiddling with my purse and hugging my teddy bear, waiting to hear whatever she had to say.

The last time I went there was an interview, and it was a few hours. This time only a few minutes even if it felt like an eternity. She let me through and I went and collected my luggage, beating my other plane mates out even though I was delayed.

John met me and led me over to his mother, who had coffee and diet coke waiting for me. After a warm welcome I admitted all I wanted was a cigarette. So we headed outside to smoke, while I told them the joys of flying.

After that we headed to the car, and I moved to get in the passenger side, which in England, is actually the drivers side. I was confused, tired and looked like an ass. “Oh right, England” I said with a laugh as I went around the other way.

We got to his house and Paul, Sarah, John and I all decided to head to the greystoke for a beer. I needed one after the day I had. It was a decent walk, but John tore my pants. We were walking and all the sudden I hear a ripping sound and I look down and my favorite pants have been maimed. Horrible maimed. What a jerk, no?

After a few beers we headed back and had dinner with the family. At 7pm I had decided I was done and we went to the tent to sleep.

Woke up the next morning with a sore throat and birds singing. Did I mention we’re sleeping in a tent?

June 10th 2009

Went to Westfield with John’s Mom, sister and John. We were on a mission to find shoes, and yet all I managed to walk out with was a few more books. The mall itself was massively large. Like it’s woodfield size, and yet I think it might be bigger. We spent a few hours there, before John’s sister threw a tantrum and ruined the day.

At this mall I learned that English Starbucks suck compared to American starbucks. I was scared they were going to fuck up my order, but they didn’t thankfully. They did fuck up John’s though. Oh well, we lived.

Went home and had dinner with the family before meeting up with Geoff for a drink. Went to the Greystoke yet again and had an awesome time. John decided to switch to vodka and red bull and I figured I’d follow suit. Then before heading back to the tent Geoff bought us a few cans of beer to enjoy on the way home. Which was a great idea in my eyes.

After we said our goodbyes John and I called it a night and yet managed to stay up till nearly 5am. Hmm, how strange.

View Full Album

The rest is a different form of writing

, that I started at like 5am. So I’ll save that for another entry which I’ll post some time tomorrow I’m guessing. This is all you get for now, so cherish it.

Technorati Tags: England,Vacation,John,Drinking,Friends,Plane,Sleep,Cigarette

Just a quick update

2009-06-25T09:58:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone! I'm back in the good ol' US of A finally. It's been a long if not great, two weeks. But it's good to be home. I have so much to do today my head is spinning. One of the things on my to-do list is to upload some pictures of my trip here, and write an epic blog about the entire journey. But first, I need to poop and quite possibly eat a happy hippo for breakfast.

Be on the look out for an update later tonight, or even in the wee hours of the morning because it's so going to happen. I promise.

Hello readers!

2009-06-19T14:28:00.002-05:00

Hey folks! How you doing? I feel like it's been ages since I've written anything, because in all honesty it has been. I feel empty with out my blog, I feel like I have nothing going on when I don't update although the last week has been one of the best and busiest of my life. I've been here and there doing all sorts of wonderful things.
I've been writing it all down in a notebook because it's going to be epic. the longest post I've ever written and figure I will wait until I can't sleep one night to get it all down. I mean I have 14 days of things to write about.

But I can give you some of the highlights at the moment. I am in England, sleeping in a massive tent with John having a wonderful time. I've been shopping twice, to paris, France once and finally found two pairs of NICE shoes that FIT me. I've taken a train under the sea, I've climbed to the top of Notre dame and tried Fish and chips. I've been out drinking, I've had a proper curry and my personal favorite is that I now have a shiney pink phone to use tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow it's my birthday, which makes me the grand total of 23 years old for those of you keeping score. Tomorrow we're going to a greek place with John's friends and siblings. After that we're going to some pub club where I can shake my groove thing if I so choose to do so. Oddly enough, for once, I am looking forward to my birthday. Instead of wondering if people will call me and say happy birthday, I will go out with them and probably have the best party of all time- granted nothing will top Emily's birthday for me. :)

So thats my life at the moment in a nutshell, we're looking into the visa information, and it's going to be a long 6 months where I can not work- but I figure with a puppy and a kitchen I shall be quite content. I miss everyone back home and I can't wait to get back to the sweltering heat and tornado warnings. And my car. God I miss my car.

Im really upset that I left a ruben and a chicken sandwich in the back seat of that car, it's going to reek when I get back.

Made it

2009-06-10T08:58:00.001-05:00

I'm now sitting in the living room of John's house. In England. I'm ok. I'm not dead. Yay! Will properly update later when My head stops hurting.

This is why I never leave my room

2009-06-09T15:38:00.001-05:00

Can’t sleep…Must Blog

2009-06-09T03:37:00.001-05:00

Alright I don’t NEED to blog, but I figured since I’m far to excited about leaving tonight I’d kill the time by posting the pictures from my camera with the children. Horrah!

Kudos to Emily for this song

2009-06-09T02:01:00.001-05:00

Technorati Tags: Music Obsession

I can not stop playing, singing or dancing to this brilliant song.

Super Soakers and Children

2009-06-07T21:21:00.001-05:00

Today I spent the afternoon at My sister’s house enjoying the company of my adorable niece and nephew. I’m really far to tired to write much, but the general idea is we played with water guns. And I don’t think any of us were winners.

I’ll upload my pictures tomorrow, but for now I’ll just share the ones my sister took. Cuz I’m a photo thief.

Emily stripped down to her underwear in the back yard. I know how she’s going to pay for college… *Ho-hum*

And my FAVORITEST PICTURE EVER. (Massive Kudos to my sister for having amazing timing.)

I haven’t even moved yet and I already miss the hell out of em.

Technorati Tags: Family,Fun,Laughter,Water guns,Summer days

An attempt at Vlogging

2009-06-07T04:29:00.003-05:00

Note: Sorry it's so blastedly long. Next time I'll try to keep it shorter, eh? But get used to these. When I move it's going to be a massive way for me to communicate with my family and other people I deem worthy.

So yay or Nay to the Vlog? Because if it's a nay I wont do it again until desperately needed. But I wanted to do something different and fun.

Explanation

2009-06-06T07:10:00.001-05:00

So yesterday I was at work talking about my upcoming trip and how my manager, the idiot Mike, Gave me three extra days off and thus I have three days to play the Sims 3 (Which I bought) and drink and celebrate life with Emily so she doesn't feel abandoned.

Well someone asked when I'm married if I was going to live in England. I said no, and then wondered why. My biggest tie here has always been my friends and family, but since I only have a few friends, and my family isn't going anywhere.. Theres nothing really tying me down.

So I made the choice to move to England. The adventure I've been craving for has been in front of me for years. There are new friends to be made, and new family to have.. They wont replace anyone, (EMILY) but they will make it easier. And my biggest fear has been working full time at Walmart, a job I hate and can't fucking stand. And it makes more sense to have John, who has a great job that can support us while I look for work. It seems sensible, no?

So I decided to do it. What is life with out living, eh? Here I am presented with this amazing chance to do something out of character and unpredictable and instead of hiding in the box I've lived in for so long out here in Illinois, I'm going to move 6000 miles away.

I'm so excited. Frightened a bit, but mostly excited. So thats why. I'm sorry Em, and all my family. But I will have a 2-3 week trip each year, and I will be home for certain holidays. AND YOU CAN COME TO ENGLAND TO VISIT!? I see no downside. Other than it'll be hard to get a unicorn on a plane...

Uttering words

2009-06-05T23:03:00.001-05:00

And with a single sentence, I saved my future marriage.

"I'm moving to England."

I need a vacation

2009-06-05T14:50:00.003-05:00

I don't need the kind where I fly to England for two weeks and sleep in a tent. I need the kind where I pack up everything I own, rent a truck and point to a place on the map and go. I Want to do something reckless and with abandonment. Something that will change my life. Something that I can look back on when I'm 50 and think "Heh, You're so dumb Boyd, but what a good choice."

Emily asked what was tying me here. Other than Rent and My family? Nothing. I hate my job, My roommate is meh, there is nothing holding me here. And it sucks, because I refuse to do it. I won't do it. I'll dream of doing it and wish I did it, when I'm old and grey. But I won't ever do it.

I'm too scared to let go and live outside the box that is Suburbia. I'm safe, I'm 30 minutes at most away from food, Shelter and love. Like honestly, I'm too much of a wimp to just pack up and go.

Regardless of how badly I want to at times.

Deleting Friends...Fixing relationships?

2009-06-05T11:36:00.002-05:00

My life has gotten so laughable that even I'm not sure what to do anymore. So thats two friends gone in a short span, sorry Emily, John may get jealous of you soon and I'll have to delete you as well. It'll be a lot harder to delete you from real life, so I'll just kill ya, k?

Fuckin hell man. Why don't I do stand up? Seriously, I have an arsenal of retardedness to share with the world.

Best Almost Birthday EVER.

2009-06-04T12:19:00.003-05:00

I've been sitting here for like 20 minutes wondering how to put such amazing fun in words, but we're going to give it a shot. Yesterday was my "Birthday Celebration" with Emily since I will be gone for my actual birthday. We had a fucking RIOT.

She came over and I made us both french toast, which was delicious. While I waited for my camera battery to charge she did the dishes out of boredom. After we were ready to go we headed to the Police station to take a picture of the horse, that proves we aren't crazy. After that it was a quick trip to Jo-Anne's to get all of the shit out of my car.

With that done we were off to my Mom's house to play in the park and eat delicious rubens. Mmm. so we drag my little sister Hope along with us, because we've been discussing the need for a Lackey for days now, and finally an opportunity knocked and we took that bitch! My sister proceeded to film and take pictures of us acting like complete morons. Because thats how we roll, down hills, in woods, in wood-chips.. We like rollin k?

We headed back to my moms to eat and help Van with his Math, gave up and left.
Got back here to the apartment and while Emily napped for two hours, I uploaded the pictures and movies. Heh. She woke up, freaked out and left.
Went to pick her up after I had packed all my laundry into bags, then headed to Walmart to get booze.
The lines were too long and there was a girl there wearing, and I wish I was making this up, a pair of Beige boy shorts, a jacket and snow boots. I wish I had my camera because it was just fucking funny.

We gave up on Walmart and went to Jewel where we got the small bottle of Jager. We then went and started my laundry. We snuck off to the bathroom, doing shots and passing the can of redbull around. We were drunk, kicking the door and moaning so they would think we were lesbians instead of two girls getting drunk in a bathroom.

Well the Jager ran out, so we trekked to the Gas station, singing dear prudence, which should have been a sign that we probably didn't need more. They appreciated the singing, but informed us there was no jager. We were sad, so we went back to jewel. lol. Singing to people in a gas station, we're nuts.

So more jager acquired and laundry now in dryers I went to the bathroom and leaned out calling, "Come to me Lova" And emily giggling as she stumbled over. We nearly killed the large bottle of Jager. It got to the point where we were having a conversation. If I was talking, she'd take a sip and then hand me the bottle and then it was her time to talk.

We ended up sitting on the bench passing the bottle back and forth like hobos.
Now, I designated myself as the "Correct door Pointer outer" so I told this guy and he said thanks, and before we left he gave us a candy bar. We don't understand it.

So all in all, it was a fucking brilliant night. And I can't wait to do it again, because that shit was tons of fun!

Fun at the part

2009-06-03T20:26:00.004-05:00

Hope was our Lacky and camera girl. She did a wonderful job panning back and forth between our mayhem and chaos.

All in all it was a good day! I'm so tired that I don't want to move. :( Ever again.

What? Omg. Dad!?

2009-06-02T21:02:00.001-05:00

I spent the day at my father's house. It was a good time, and I managed to get this little gem. Note: Headphones are needed if children or co-workers are around.

Ugh. Why am I awake?

2009-06-02T09:18:00.003-05:00

Oh thats right, my dad is taking me to dinner, so I have to be awake at nine. (You figure that one out, I can't.)

So softball. Saturday I completely forgot about it, woke up at 11 and showered and John reminded me that I had to go, so I called Jo and hauled ass over to the fields. I got my awesome Heatwave shirt, which I'm uber excited about. We stood around talking and supervising for three or four hours, while I worked on my sunburn. At four I had to go to work, but promised to be there the next day.

Sunday I called in sick to work, since I agreed to help all day a few months ago and forgot, And at 530am I got dressed and headed to the fields yet again. Only difference is I stopped and picked up cigarettes and some redbull this time.
It's so cold out at 530am. Like, cold enough to die a slow frozen death. And the sun? God damn it's bright.

So We start hauling boxes and coolers and boxes from the cars to the various tables and I'm thinking about how tired I am and how fucking cold out it is. Thankfully it started to warm up so I rolled up my sleeves and started the process of getting Skin Cancer.

More people started showing up so we started up the grill so we could all have our 9am hotdog. Slowly things were starting to come together, coolers were filled, people were getting some coffee in them which helped.

The day went on with out a hitch. I went to go get Emily at 11ish because I was cooked and needed to get out of the sun. We had lunch at Applebees because if I had one more burger I'd die a horrible cow related death. So we finish eating, and I finished my delicious and much needed beer, and we headed back to my house to pick up my Camera.

We get to the field around 2ish and hear Jo-Anne has been hit with a ball. I flip out, but keep it in. (This woman is tiny, those balls are not.) She's fine, but I'm waiting on her hand and foot. They need us to run out and get more coke and something else that I forgot. I brought it back and then after an hour or so Emily wants to leave, so I drop her off.

I get back with Starbucks in hand and Jo-Anne is hiding in the equipment shed, apparently two more balls have nearly hit her at this point and she's been banished. The day resumes until Another foul ball comes our way and she's hiding behind the door screaming, "NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN!!" And I'm laughing my ass off to much to care about being hit.

But I feel for the lady, last year I got hit in the center of my back from a foul ball. I walked it off. hah. I told her to suck it up, she smacked my sunburn :(

A bit later, I'm helping Doya on the grill, and all the sudden this girl swings and you hear the TINK of a foul ball off the bat and we just watch as it's headed straight to Jo. We all yell "UP" and she's ducking and hiding under a flimsy Aluminum pan, and I'm laughing again. Next thing I know she's got a bucket on her head and I'm convulsing with laughter.

She heads to the porta Potty, sans bucket, and comes out laughing. She's telling me she hit her head in teh porta potty and I'm looking at this crazy woman and point to the shed and yell, "Thats it, Get your bucket and go to your shed!" lol.

the night was closing quickly, and we were packing up the cars and the sun was setting (Thank god) My car is stuffed with coolers, Charcoal, Buns and fritos. there is no room for anyone but me.
Well I went to back into the grass so I could get out of there and BAM I hit a fucking tree. (Can't see out the back window. :( ) Well I look out my window and yell, "Who the fuck put the tree there?" and Jo comes over all worried, "No no, I'm fine." I tell her as I get out. We check the damage and I'm all "Thank god David hit me and I never got that fixed, since it looks just fine to me." And then I'm babbling about how it's a rum night.

We say goodbye yet again and I manage to get out of there with out anymore incident. Get home, slather on some Aloe and painfully go to bed. Next one is in July, maybe by then I'll own some Sunblock, huh?

A letter to a friend..

2009-06-02T02:47:00.001-05:00

Dear Emily,
Over the last 40 or so years we've become tight. Like a tiger. And you know, if you weren't there when I hit that retarded cripple, I'd have lost my mind. And when you lost your leg in Nam? That was tough, but we got through it didn't we?
I mean we laugh a lot, and there's jokes. But at the end of the day I just want to thank you. Because I'd have died with out that fraction of your liver, and props for the kidney as well. I hope my Spleen treats you well. And maybe that whole "Glass Eye" Issue wont freak out your next boyfriend so much, huh?
I'll miss you, and if we were the huggin' type I'd be the syrup and you could be my waffle, because you're totally my dick in a box.

Mother Lover,
Jen

Key Points from the tournament

2009-05-31T21:44:00.001-05:00

Hi. I made it out alive.

*Waking up at 530am to freezing cold weather
*The blistering sun that had nothing to hide behind
*My awesome T-shirt
*The whiney man storming off
*Emily
*Beer
*Jo-Anne getting hit with a softball, then a few near misses.
*Jo-Anne wearing bucket on head for protection
*Jo-Anne falling in porta potty and hitting her head, and me yelling "Get your bucket and get in the damn shed, woman!" At her
*Backing into a Tree
*Other key points about Walking tacos, deliciousness and lots of laughter.

Across the Universe

2009-05-30T23:22:00.001-05:00

Great Movie

Shout out

2009-05-30T03:23:00.006-05:00

Just wanna give a shout out to the two Canadians who viewed my site. Rock on, and welcome to America.

I suppose I should tell you about my day, but to be honest it was the same shit I deal with every day, only difference is that it was way to fucking early to be awake. I made it through, barely.

But if we can take a moment to be serious, I'm not the praying type. Perhaps one of you are? (Is? Are? Because? Fuck it's 330am. Leave me be!)
My friend from work, Penny, who is the sweetest, funniest, fattest cashier we have, (I'm not insulting her, she'd laugh.) is going on a leave of absence due to the large Lemon like tumor, and then grapefruit like tumor that both have attached themselves to her lady bits. (Sorry about the Kidney stone, when life hands you lemons.. Hope they aren't near your uterus? I don't know.)
So, yeah, I've been worried about her. We all have. She's told very few. Some are gentle and kind about asking and inquiring about her health and how she's feeling.

I take the "Jen" approach. "So when they take it out, ask for it in a jar. I totally want to see it." and other gems like, "If you threw it at a wall, would it stick in a bloody tumor-y mess?" and our favorite, "When the grapefruit is removed, make sure there is sugar on hand. They don't taste the same with out a bit of sweetness."

Maybe I'm insensitive, and a bit callous at times. But I feel the best medicine and therapy for life and the shit you get handed, is laughter. So I go out of my way to make an ass out of myself not only for them, but me as well.

So if you pray, pray good and hard for Penny. And if you don't then I'll see you in the fiery pits of hell then, won't I?

Lesson Learned

2009-05-28T23:45:00.003-05:00

A few months ago I paid Jes' rent in full. 425. I also paid mine. Thats 850 in one month. I have yet to see a dime or have my rent be dropped lower.
Last month I gave her 160 to cover the rest of her rent and foolishly didn't write it down or keep her deposit slip.
few weeks ago I handed her 45 dollars to make it 205 that she had, meaning my next paycheck would more than cover the last 220 I owed. She informed me I only gave her 60. I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on this one. Just big ol' stinkin' bullshit.
But it's my fault. She said she'd look into it, but I hardly doubt she has. Now her cellphone is turned off and I've handed her 250 for rent and with that 60 still owe...
115.

So lesson learned. If she needs money for something I'm saying no. I need to get married and have a better job so I can drop this shit for once and for all. Because I can't keep doing this. Listening to her bitch about money when she "Still works at Walmart" and can have a second job, and when she has yet to take her low life of an ex to court for child support payments.
So go ahead Jes, keep on struggling. It's the hole you started digging years ago and will keep digging until you pull your head out of your ass.

Oh and did I mention the other night her and Joey got high as hell? So much for no drugs in this apartment eh? I need to get the fuck out of here. I'm terrified I'm going to come home and my shit will have been pawned or I'll be homeless. I'm so fucking scared, when I shouldn't be.

Walgreens

2009-05-28T12:41:00.003-05:00

For the last five months I have bought my cigarettes at Walgreens. Never before have they been out of them. It's been 5 days. They received their shipment in yesterday. Yet none of them were my brand.

So to you walgreens I say this, WHAT THE FUCK?

Seriously, like clockwork I go in and buy them. Same brand. I don't get carded anymore, but no, you can't even stock them? I requested three cartons for the second week in June, and the manager agreed. Sorry, I didn't mean DONT STOCK THEM TIL THEN. MAH BAD.

Im fuming as I sit here smoking less than delicious shit :(

Writing

2009-05-28T01:16:00.004-05:00

I want to write something, but everything I write turns out like crap.

She paced the floor, unwilling to accept the news she had just received. "Not happening." She muttered over and over as he stood in the hallway staring at her, "It's for the best you know that." He said softly. She turned and looked at him, as if seeing him for the first time.
"What the fuck do you mean, it's for the best?" she demanded. She had finally stopped pacing and now stood with her hands on her hips. "You wouldn't fucking know what is for the best." she threw up her hands and resumed pacing. "For the best my ass." She started muttering again.

He sighed and pushed off from the wall he had been leaning on, "Have it your way." He told her over his shoulder before entering the room they shared and closing the door behind him. He looked at his suitcase, half packed. He was leaving, he finally told her that he wasn't happy. He told her that he was sick of her drama and the fights she'd throw just because she could. He sat down on the bed, the weight causing the springs in the mattress to squeak and groan under him. He bent over and picked up a roll of socks and tossed them in along side his jeans and shirts.
He paused when he heard something slam against the wall and then shatter as it hit the floor. And in that second he knew he was making the best choice.

I can't create things in my mind like I used to be able to, and it's distressing. I've stopped playing mafia because the same shit happens over and over again. No matter what I write, it's the same crap I've spewed out before.

I need to get my ass in a writing class where people will push me to write, suggest changes and things to make my writing better. Because lord knows the shit I'm working with now isn't worth reading.

Last two days

2009-05-27T17:38:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I didn't have to be at work until later, 4:30ish I believe, so Emily and I wandered around the square and ate lunch at Jenapeas.

It was a good time, and then I went to work. Which was an equally good time. Then I came home and went to bed. Only to wake up this afternoon to go to lunch with Em @ paneras before stopping at the bank and admitting I could put it off no longer, and started cleaning my room. My tragic mess of a room.

I leave in two weeks, and I honestly can not wait. I'm super excited and there is nothing I need more than to get away from the fuckery that is my life.
So today I'm doing my 90 loads of laundry, and as they come out of the dryer I'm putting them in the suitcase, and hopefully if they are in there they will remain safe and clean.

I only have two days off next week, Tuesday I am going to my dad's for my birthday dinner and then coming back to drink with Emily and have a packing party. She will be spending the night then we shall cause more chaos upon the town of woodstock all of wensday, in celebration of my 23rd birthday.

Ok, dryer is done, so I should get off my ass and do some more. I will return eventually.

Car rides, Rain and the best friend a girl could ask for

2009-05-26T01:22:00.004-05:00

Emily and I made plans to go out tonight. I needed food and a bit of real company, before I started humping my tower demanding it dance with me.
I picked her up and we drove to the gas station before embarking on a journey of a lifetime.

Kidding, we just went to Dennys and probably do it like 4 times a month, but still. Dennys is a shitty national chain diner that is open 24 hours. It breeds non-conformists who conform by wearing X's clothing to be whatever X symbol they want to be. The irony of the patrons is enough to make me love it.

"John almost left me." I casually mention during the silence between "On a boat" and "Boom Boom" by the B.E.P. "Save it for Dennys, man." Is what I get before she cranks the music up. We're driving along Route 47, it's dark and raining. We're dancing and singing at the top of our lungs she she pauses, "I need your thoughts on something."
"Yea?" I asked and she popped in a CD. "I need to know what you think, because if you don't like it then I don't either."

I have a "Hearing for the first time" face when it comes to music. I Cock my head to the side, furrow my brow and focus on it all. Chords, melodies, vocal talent and the lyrics. "I don't know, it sounds like I should be drinking grog and dancing with the other locals in the village." I told her, "But agreed. His voice is hot."

We continued listening, "I don't like how he's trying to hit that low note, it's tricky but come on man, learn your range. Stick to it." and this is how the car ride went. Eventually I had to actually turn it down, "Did he honestly just sing *horribly cliched line?" while saying this, she screams the rest of the line, before turning it down again. "Man needed a rhyme, I can respect that." Note: Edited per Emily's request

We were still giggling over the cliche'd lyrics and commenting on the deep moments his songs held. We pulled into the parking lot and as I threw it into park I mused, "I think I'd like him more if he was more about everything, and less about love."
She then admitted she wanted to hit it, and we went to Dennys, thoughts of the CD gone as midnight dinner loomed ahead of it.

This is why Emily and I are friends. And why after 33 years we're as close as we were the first day in german class where I turned around in the middle of memorizing nouns and she suggest we ditch to get coffee. I quickly agreed and we bonded for life.

On the way home the CD of my dreams crapped out on me and the radio was our newest source of entertainment. Talking doesn't happen in my car, we sing and dance the darkness allowing for insanity to take control and for the first time in a few days, I'm having fun and it has nothing to do with boys or booze. It's about being comfortable and a friendship that grows stronger while Lady Gaga sings to us, "Because with love if it isn't rough it isn't fun." And us saying at the exact time, "I fucking LOVE that line."

Mmmm Hot Pockets

2009-05-25T02:19:00.003-05:00

There is no bacon in this house, which is distressing. But thats not what I'm here to write about. This entry is about Hot Pockets. And how to a group of employees at Walmart, it became a cry of FREEDOM. Or was just used to lift boredom.

BACKGROUND: I bought lean pockets, chicken and spinach I believe, for lunch and took them in back to make them. As they were cooking, I ripped off Jim Gaffigan, with his "HOT POCKET" in a high pitched voice.
Then Courtney threw a fit about them not being hot pockets, but lean pockets. So I was going "Lean pocket?" in a high pitched voice. And then when I took a bite and the gooey delicious magma tried to kill me with it's heat, I covered my mouth with my hand and cried out, "HOT POCKET" as high pitched as before.

And thus, the monster had been created.

We were dead. Which gave me ample time to call to lawn and garden where not only Courtney was, but Rod as well. When they would pick up I'd call out "Hot pocket!" I wanted to "Do a price check on "HOT POCKET" But also didn't want to get fired.

Becky, who works in toys, came by with a cart and I ninja'd my way towards her. I Hopped on, calling out "HOT POCKET!" as my battle cry. I hot pocket'd my way towards Bethany, making her laugh as I'd peek out from behind pop coolers, and other things that are bigger than me.
I hot pocket'd Laeci, wrapping my arms around her for a hug, but sneakily opening her doritos while she was talking and stealing one, leaving with a simple "Hot Pocket!" before shoving it in my mouth and running away.

So thanks HOT POCKET for hours of amusement @ work.
EDIT: to add said Video I ripped off.

Hot Pocketts by Jim Gaffigan
Uploaded by Alimoe8 - See more comedy videos.

I'd say that was a sucessful "Call in Drunk" day.

2009-05-25T01:43:00.002-05:00

Last night I drank. And then I continued drinking. And continued some more. And sobered up a bit, but realized there was no way in hell I was going to make it to work. Just no way. None. I couldn't put on pants and stop dancing!
So I called in drunk to work. Granted they think I have the flu, but whatever.

I then continued dancing and drinking. Probably till about 2pmish. Then I sobered up to head to my moms. Computer broke an hour before I had to leave and I was an hour late, missing dinner completely because I was busy turning the machine on and off hoping one of the times I turned it on, it would magically work again.

Ribs were delicious. Not as good as they have been, but I don't scoff @ Free food, yo. Note to self: You owe your mother a birthday card.

After ribs I sat around talking to my mom and petting the cat. Came back to the apartment and pretty much just passed out for the night. At this point I had been up 36 hours.
I woke up three hours later like "Alright! I'm up!"
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Body.

Friendship

2009-05-24T06:38:00.003-05:00

Dear Diary,
Today is another day that marks the day that I drive yet another friend away. The weapon? Honesty.
Shame really. I shed a tear (Literally) and I'll be sad since this person has been there for years and I took everything they said to heart, advice, jokes etc. Everything. They were the person I turned too when life got super shitty and John wasn't around.

It's like a part of me is dead. Not a bit part, but a part that made me smile and laugh when I needed it most. The part that had fights with me when I needed someone to knock me off my pedestal when I needed it the most.
So I am upset, but I'll get over it.

If you read this, I wish you the best as I always have. I hope whatever life has in store for you is as amazing and awesome as you are. I'm going to miss our late night talks of nonsense and craziness. But I understand. And maybe in due time...

Changes are coming

2009-05-24T04:00:00.001-05:00

Sometimes something as simple as an at home dye job can change your perspective completely. It lifts your mood to know you look different and good. I guess this is why women wear makeup (And some men...) and dress a certain way. I've never really been into clothes or makeup.
My outlet of release has always been my hair. Bad breakup? Cut it. Depressed? Dye it. Just feel lousy? Do whatever you can to make it your new focus.

So I bring you, the new magical hair color.

Hmm.

2009-05-23T21:47:00.001-05:00

Well that was quite the can of worms to open, wasn't it Me? Oh yes, you're a fool Jen. *Smack smack*

Work was good. I'm no longer dying. Rejoice. The two people who still read.

The last two days

2009-05-22T22:25:00.003-05:00

The last two days have been really strange. My mind is boggled by somethings, and apparently I caught pig flu some how and spent the day not only at work with no sleep, but after leaving early puked all night. It was a good time.

Sometimes my brain confuses me, but I'm sure in due time the tangle of thoughts will work themselves out.
This is my 200th blog post. I don't know what to do with it. I was hoping for something epic and lovely but instead I leave you with the conversation I had with my manager over letting me go home early.

Me: Mina, I don't feel good. I think I'm going to puke. I need to go home.
Mina: What? We have bathrooms.
Me: Im not getting down on the walmart bathroom floor, I'd rather puke right here in front of everyone and when they as why I will tell them its because you wouldn't let me go home.
Mina: Oh. Go home, yes.

So long story short, I came home ill. And I just cleaned a bit using these Pledge Multi Surface wipes that I adore, and yet their allergen trappers fail, because I just sneezed like 8 times.

So a bit of my room was cleaned. Now if I can get the rest of it done. AND SUNDAY IS RIBS AT MY MOMMYS HOUSE!