Today I went shopping to a grocery store. Yes, I knew the date and I knew the fuckery that awaited me. But I figured a grocery store was not nearly as bad as the shopping center my darling husband was going to. Let me explain first, I quit smoking (Again) two days ago. The holidays are stressful enough, but add in my feelings when I'm lacking nicotine and rum, and well you can imagine.
But I was blissfully unaware of this creature that lurked inside me. I should have known something was up when after waiting 20 minutes for a bus I nearly elbowed this old woman in the face in order to get on. I gave her a look that said "Your Arthritis does not rival my wait time, get the fuck behind me old biddy." and oddly enough, she did. I then plugged myself into my MP3 player and blissfully ignored everyone and everything around me. Until we almost hit that truck, I'm almost certain I blissfully shat myself at that point.
The bus pulled up to ASDA and I scanned the full parking lot and decided the best way to deal with this was to pretend there was no one around, so the music stayed on and I marched towards the doors. Before even entering I am asulted by not one, but two women screaching at me for some charity. I couldn't make out the words so I just continued on my way. Where I was stopped by a fat guy wearing a name tag, "Hi, I'm Jamal, How can I help you?" And my urge to punch him in the face came so swiftly...
But I refrained and ignored him as well, because I clearly could not hear him asking me what I was looking for.
I found lights, I found a rolling pin, I found the other bits and pieces I needed. And then I had to stand in line. Probably the longest part of my trip, but the woman in front of me was the slowest woman in the entire world, so I decided I clearly needed to go buy more things and left that line before I killed her.
If only I had painted ASDA with the blood of the people who got on my nerves today.
I was on a mission to find blueberries, now. I wanted muffins and no one was going to stop me. Not even JAMAL. The prick. I pretty much ignored manners and people. If someone had a child walking freely, I probably ran them over. I did not care, I needed Blue berries. And cookie cutters. And Mango.
THERE WAS NO TIME FOR SMALL CHILDREN, GOD DAMN IT.
Really, I should have known it was going to be like that when Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch" came on and my pace quickened and a sadistic smile showed up on my face.
Merry Christmas, and I hope you don't lose a limb during your last minute shopping.
